Is there anything so tragic as the ice cream person? So happy, yet so doomed. Even if they are not eaten, they will surely melt anyway.
But then, is that so different from the rest of us? Did I blow your mind? You are welcome.
http://icecreampeople.blogspot.com/
Photo from Flickr:Agilitynut
AUUUUGGGHGHHHHH!!
There are horrible vomitting slugs inside me that make babies!
Under-5 roles in TV shows and movies are the ones that have less than 5 lines - the teeny tiny “Venti Latte at the bar!” “Look, I ain’t no murderer, I just found the guy”, “Hey! That monkey stole my dog!” parts. At a certain point in one’s career booking one is exciting, but eventually it’s a real kick in the crotch, especially if you walk in thinking you’re reading for a lead.
When I was 22 I started dating my neighbor’s 24 year-old best friend. He was smart and fun - loved books and throwing parties. In fact, he seemed like such a great guy that I had to start keeping a trashcan by my front door because I was so nervous I almost threw up every time I left for a date with him. Literally. This should have been my first sign that it was bad news - there is no situation in life which better defines the idea of “listen to your gut” than puking down your date dress.
So it should have been no surprise when at the end of a date a few weeks later, standing on 22nd street, he tells me that we need to “cool off” because he’s been having a growing online affair with a 16 year-old girl and it was getting “pretty intense”. I replied, “Are you serious? You’re in love with your 16 year-old pen pal?” Suddenly he gets this look of realization on his face, like clouds are parting and he is surrounded by honey-colored bunnies tenderly fucking bluebirds, and he says “maybe I am. Yeah, maybe I’m in love with her.” And I took off my shoes and hailed a cab.
I sat in the back of the cab too pissed off to even eat the candy in my purse, and I realized that I had just wasted a month on someone else’s story. That fucking look of wonderous wonder at the beauty of his new love is what rubbed it in - THAT was the crux of this story, not my dumping. This seemed impossible to me - how could there be a more important character here than me!? Me with my charming dorkiness and playful make-up! But - I must be smarter than her! But - she can’t possibly be as fun as me! But…there it was - I was just an Under 5.
Thinking back, now I realize that that’s really a shitty movie anyway. “Ivy League Douchebag and His Childbride” is not the sort of project I should be going out for. I should be in groundbreaking indie movies, maybe even my own. If I just focus on my own story, I don’t have to worry about someone else’s crappy casting choices. And if I do end up an Under 5 again, well, sometimes a bit part steals the show.
Or “why I can’t talk this week.”
I have a lot of singing to do this weekend. Not just any singing - singing over a full band, with no mic. Then, later, singing with a full band while playing drums at a party. THEN, the next day, singing 3 whole improvised musicals in under an hour. So this week I am drinking gallons of water and avoiding alcohol, cigarette smoke, and loud talking - lest my vocal chords pop out of my throat and roll away in the middle of a show.
That said - these will be fun shows! Come see them if you want. Or don’t. I don’t care. YOU DON’T OWN ME, INTERNET.
*sob*
Yes you do.
Baby Wants Candy
June 13th & 14th @ 10:00pm, $20
Barrow Street Theater
27 Barrow Street
Reservations: http://www.barrowstreettheatre.com/boxOffice.asp
**Discount info! $15 dollar tickets**
Link: www.broadwayoffers.com/go.aspx
Type in:
BWBWC2
(Or just walk up and say that at the box office.)
Stickerbook rocks Sketchfest NYC
Friday late night, UCB Theater
Come for the comedy, stay for the afterparty - with music by us and Shayna Ferm & The Upper Deckers
I Eat Pandas - We Classy
Monday, June 16th @ 9:30, $5
UCB Theater
307 West 26th Street (at 8th Ave)
Please, don’t let me come between you.
I figure my readership breaks down thusly:
Oh yeah, I know you’re reading this, NewGirlFriends. I know because I read your sites, too (and because you sometimes comment.) But I must admit, it makes me even more cautious about my postings than knowing that my parents read this. Sure - you’re not going to comment with a story about the time I peed on a snake when I was 3, but you are going to get all…upset. I’m not here to upset! I am here for the laughs! I’m all about the jokes!
So, relax NGFs, and please note the following:
When I was 15 I memorized the Fear mantra from Dune* - I had plenty of time to do it, since I wasn’t busy dating or showering regularly or anything. I was thinking about it again recently and decided that in an effort to allow my fears to “pass over and through me”, I need to stop hiding them and come clean.
So, here are my fears:
*I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Recently, Charlie Sheen claimed that ex-wife, Denise Richards, sent his fiancee Brooke Mueller an email after their divorce asking for his sperm so she could have another child. This is only the most recent demand she has made on Sheen - some of the other things she has recently asked him for include:
By fall, I’ll be able to take her in a knife fight.
With Memorial Day behind us, summer has officially begun. So now is the time to roll out my summer goals. This year’s focus is on being a badass. Specifically, being more of a badass than Mariah Carey.
Will this make me the coolest person ever? Maybe. Who knows? The point is that I cannot let Mariah Carey be more of an ass kicker than me. She can be a better singer, have bigger boobs, be far far more weathly than me - but I’m not going to let her be more dope. My hella dope-ness is ALL I HAVE.
I have spent the morning reviewing her music videos and have come up with a short list of experiences and abilities that she demonstrates, which I do not have. By labor day, I hope to have conquered them all.
As of right now, I have no idea how to accomplish any of this. If anyone has any connections to jetskis, hot air balloons, or anything else helpful, please let me know. Hopefully I will be able to document it all.
HOLD ME TO IT, INTERNET!
*No, I can’t rollerblade. Shut up.
Finally the animation project I worked on with Marvel has been put online! Now I can prove to all the nerds I’ve been seducing that “I’m the voice of Kitty Pryde (online)” isn’t just a sleazy line. It’s a TRUE sleazy line!
If you’d like to hear me as Kitty Pryde (and a few other characters), you can watch it here.
