Broken Squirrel
I saw a squirrel eating a lizard a few weeks ago.
Now, squirrels aren’t supposed to eat lizards, right? They eat nuts and tiny muffins, right? Bits of cake and tea in little acorn teacups? Adorable stuff. Not live, writhing lizards, thrashing and fighting for their evil reptilian lives. But this one did. I figured this squirrel must be in some kind of crazed, glassy-eyed state. I can’t stop thinking about the moment when it suddenly snapped out of it and realized what it’s done.
[chomp chomp chomp - freeze]
“Oh my god. What they fuck? What the FUCK, Chitters?!? What are you DOING!?! Ohhhh Gawwwwd…OhhhmyGawwwwd. I’m eating a fucking…what the fuck is this!?! Oh jesus, it’s a lizard! No, wait, no, it’s only half a lizard..that’s not so bad…. OH GOD NO, I ATE THE REST! Did I eat the bones? What the fuck is going ON with me? I am FREAKING myself out! Ok, I was in the tree, I was really hungry, I started looking for the nuts I buried, I can never find those stupid goddamn nuts, then…I don’t remember…. Oh my GOD!!!! What if he had a family!? Is it a he? Yep, yep, that’s a he. (Non-vomitous heaving.) Ok, ok, chill out, ok, did anyone see me? Nope… no… looks good, looks like I’m in the clear…. SHIT. Was that bird there the whole time? Oh, fuck, that bird totally saw me eat that lizard. Or, ok, maybe not… is it looking at me? It’s looking at me. It’s not saying anything…just staring…why won’t it stop staring at me? WHY WON’T IT STOP? I don’t know if I can stand this…WHY WON’T IT JUST LOOK AWAY!?!? LOOK AWAY, BIRD!!! AAAUUUUGHHHH!!!!!!”
December 15th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
And it’s just a preview of what’s coming… with global warming and drought and famine. Vegetarians will start eating squirrels.
December 15th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
I think the only appropriate response is this overused but fitting emoticon
;____;
December 15th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I think that the lizard was egging the squirrel on, calling him a pussy for not eating a live animal, all he eats are those little acorns that he doesn’t even have to hunt, they just fall right into his tiny, kind of creepy hands. The lizard was asking for it, man.
The bird, on the other hand, I’m not sure what happened there.
December 15th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
This is really funny.
That’s all I got. I couldn’t think of a more productive comment, but wanted to comment.
December 17th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
It’s kind of like “28 Days Later” meets “Alvin and the Chipmunks” Now there’s a movie idea.
December 17th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
YES!
January 11th, 2010 at 6:11 pm
I almost peed myself reading that
February 27th, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Oh my God, Eliza this is horrifying! And funny! And scary! I saw a squirrel unwrap and eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and THAT was a wonderful sight to behold. But NO! They are not supposed to eat lizards and birds and shit! ARE THEY????
March 1st, 2010 at 1:18 am
Hahaha you gotta watch those squirrels – here in Australia our largest danger is Drop Bears ganging up with Dingoes and running in large militia groups – True
March 5th, 2010 at 5:31 pm
I once saw a squirrel dragging a dead rats body.
March 16th, 2010 at 12:27 am
Careful. They can rip a man’s arms off. Maybe you ran into one with a vicious streak:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcxKIJTb3Hg