Slow walkers
I am constantly confused by people walking INFURIATINGLY slow in front of me on New York City streets. Today, in an effort to distract myself from the overwhelming urge to murder the tourists crawling down Broadway in front of me, I tried to think of reasons why these people move so slowly.
- They are detectives looking for clues or contact lenses.
- They have just been transported to our dimension and must get their bearings before they can figure out how to get home to their own world.
- They are recently enchanted mermaids, still getting used to their new feet and legs.
- They are looking for the tiny Manhattan ponies that hide in the sidewalk cracks.
- They are mis-programmed robots who need to be recalibrated to normal human speed.
- They are navy scientists listening intently for the sonar of dolphins crying out for help.
- They were rasied by monkeys and are constantly amazed by the wonder and beauty of the world and it’s flashing lights and loud “go-fast machines”.
- They are suddenly becoming retarded, right before my eyes.
- All the hamburgers in their big fat pockets are weighing their big fat asses down.
- They think they are the only goddamn people in the world, and have never heard of “jobs” or “appointments”.
- Just to drive me crazy.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
I am using The Secret to make this a category on Family Feud.
“Show me ‘They are recently enchanted mermaids, still getting used to their new feet and legs’”
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
August 7th, 2009 at 10:52 am
They are southerners who walk with a drawl.
August 8th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Hey, can I subscribe to your blog or do I just have to remember to come back and look at it. The latter might be hard for me because I’m stupid.
August 8th, 2009 at 1:50 am
GOD I HATE THAT! Seriously. Tho, I’m from Texas. People walking in front of me just lollygagging, no aim, no purpose… GET THE F*CK OUT OF THE WAY!
/rage
August 8th, 2009 at 3:26 am
- people that want to enjoy the small bliss of a vacation that separates the screaming of the landlord from the screaming of the boss.
August 9th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
I hate it most in a mall on the weekend. But at the same time, it can be very gratifying to cut through large groups of people at top speed without slowing down. Finding that temporary part in the sea of people, and gunning it through the crowd makes me feel like I’m flying a plane through the Grand Canyon (maybe not quite that intense, but you get what I’m saying).
August 12th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
…I always get the fear that they’re in the process of turning undead and are about to turn around and attack me for my braiiiiins…
August 13th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Sometimes I miss New York and then I remember this careless breed of retards, how the trains never run properly late at night and the rude fuckers who clip their nails on the N express to Brooklyn and I discover that I hate all of humanity and would probably prefer a shack in the woods somewhere.
(Longest. Sentence. Ever.)
Also, this made me laugh.
August 14th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
“They think they are the only goddamn people in the world, and have never heard of “jobs” or “appointments”.”
As an addendum to that, there’s also a healthy dose of ‘fuck the lot of you’ in there somewhere.
February 27th, 2010 at 10:31 am
your “mermaid” explanation made me laugh the hardest.
i live near st. nicholas avenue which i am starting to believe is unfortunately the hippest place to be a slow walker. EVERYONE SLOW WALKS on st. nicholas. drives me batty!
March 20th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
OMG, I completely understand the frustration!!! And this one: “They were rasied by monkeys and are constantly amazed by the wonder and beauty of the world and it’s flashing lights and loud “go-fast machines”.” made me laugh the hardest. The best example of that is the store across from Rockefeller Plaza that at Christmas has the lights *GASP* OMG TIMED TO FLASH AT THE MUSIC!!! Grr!!!!
People can be soooo annoying!!