Street smarts
This morning as I walked to the grocery store in sweatpants and last night’s make-up, a man muttered “beautiful” as he passed me. As much of a stretch as it seemed, he seemed serious; and I gotta say: I loved it. I mean, yes – this dude was a troll and probably lives in an old baby crib, and if he said he liked my shirt I might consider burning it. But still – he thinks I’m pretty! That’s always nice.
But it must be confusing when you’re a muttering street dude – what do you say? What is ok? “Beautiful” even sometimes walks the line – growled the wrong way it still sounds totally gross. I think the line is if it sounds like he’s talking about a flower it’s good, if it sounds like he’s talking about what your asshole might look like on a plate it’s horrible. “Pretty” is always good, but when it gets specific it’s also possibly creepy. “Pretty eyes” is ok, “pretty lips” is not, and “pretty little pussy baby” really crosses the line.
Any type of sucking noise is always bad. As is referring to me as your mommy, baby, or bitch – it just assumes a familiarity that isn’t there yet. I also hate it when they demand I smile – you don’t know what happened to me today, dude! And I’m not out on the street to entertain you! I generally respond to this by baring my teeth and whispering “they’re all dead.”
Above all, don’t let us hear you say the same thing to everyone. It really cheapens things when a homeless dude throws the same “gorgeous, mmm, let me smell those titties” he just said to me to the woman behind me.
January 27th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
A friend of mine got the best one ever from some construction workers: “Mommy, I’m gonna wear your legs as a scarf!!”
Sure, it’s classic construction-worker toilet-poetry and it wouldn’t hurt to lose the “mommy”, but you can’t deny it’s a masterpiece. Sort of like a third-world Bukowski, if you will.
By the way, I always found girls in everyday clothes *way* more attractive than when they go overproduced, with layers upon layers of makeup and wearing shiny night dreses and such.
January 27th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Enjoy it.
I kinda miss the days of “Hey, white momma!” (when I was 25).
January 28th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I so agree with this!!
(got here via your sister’s pimpage!
love the blog!)
January 29th, 2010 at 10:01 am
I love your smut!
January 29th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
I tend bar, and recently someone said to me, “Baby, you’re so pretty I’d drink your bathwater.” To which i responded, “Make sure you scrape the skin cells out from under my nails before you dump the body.”
Everyone heard both comments, and burst into a hearty laugh. For five minutes, I was Mister Hilarious.
Still, though. Bathwater? That’s supposed to be un-creepy?
January 30th, 2010 at 9:22 pm
It’s definitely all in the delivery.
There are few swear words that even elicit a reaction anymore. Damn? Doesn’t even register. Shit? Wouldn’t even notice. Even pussy doesn’t even turn heads… unless you say it slowly, with sultry eyes and a lisp. Then it gets downright dirty again.
Good on homeless dude for being appropriate and reading his audience. It must have been the sweatpants that told him he was dealing with a lady.
February 1st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
You have to understand how much we really, really want to say it, too, and yet even then we mainly never do, most of us. And not because it gives us any kind of creepy (i.e., sexual or stalker-like) thrill. It’s just a little spark, a frisson of pleasant feeling and, really, a chaste but romantic bit of gratification to make that momentary connection, and to bestow perhaps a glancing touch of warmth and a pulse of pleasure on a girl who hasn’t done anything right but be very pretty.