elizaskinner.net – the jambox

I gotta say, the country’s vampire standards are at an all time low.  Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries – I call bullshit on all of it! Everyone is just too quick to gobble up anything in fangs. Vampires used to be scary, or at least creepy – even in Buffy they made sure to make them look all Klingon-gross when they popped fang. But now Vampires are the hottest boy in school, who just wants you to help him with his homework. Someone ripped the dick off vampires.

Let’s put it back on, ok? If we don’t, I’m just going to start writing my “rapist with a heart of gold” series, except I’m going to change “rapist” to “Vampire Kevin”. Because, really? It’s the same thing. An insatiable need to feast on human flesh fits right in to an SVU episode, if you ask me.

I’m suggesting the following Vampire Standards:

• must burst into flames in sunlight – NO SUNGLASSES, NO DIAMOND SKIN.
• must drink human blood to survive. Occasional short-term animal diet is allowed, but only in emergency situations. NO SYNTHETICS.
• capes are mandatory.
• so are coffins.
• no picky/choosey vampire myths – take them all: mirrors, garlic, holy water, etc. Too weird or hard to justify? Then don’t write about vampires! Write about cat people – no one’s done that in a while. You can make up the rules as you go along.
• more writhing piles of blood-drunk succubi.
• frustrated disdain for mortal fools and anyone under 200 years old.
• fangs are the CANINE teeth, not the incisors.
• must have creepy insect-eating caretaker to watch over them and collect victims.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 10th, 2009 at 5:14 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.