elizaskinner.net – the jambox

A while back, my friend Robyn and I were jamming in Brooklyn, and stopped at one of her favorite coffeeshops. Now, as I have said before, I have a permanent medically diagnosed war going on between me & my entire digestive system, so I can’t really drink caffeinated coffee or tea. I mean, I guess I technically can, but then I will start scratching the paint off the walls in pain while my butt explodes. So, I split the difference and consider it a no-no.

So, we walk into this hip coffeeshop and Robyn orders her coffee and I ask if they have decaf. The hipster skater guy behind the counter acts like I’ve just asked “hey, do you like wearing little girls dresses?” and replies “HELL no! Fuck THAT!”

Really?

I’m sorry I am not cool and tough enough to drink your cool tough caffeine. That is really the reason – it’s all the cat fancy magazines I read and popsicle stick crafts I do that make me request decaf coffee. Oh also? I’m dumb. I am so stupid that my tastebuds don’t register the difference between real coffee and decaf. So I LIKE decaf better – no way would I actually prefer real coffee except for the way it stabs itself out of my gut right after I drink it. PLUS I am a republican soccer mom and I don’t want to be too jittery when I pick up Haley and Taylor from their extra-currics. This week is pottery! Are your droodlocks natural? Can I touch them?

I mean, what the fuck? First of all, you can just say “no,” dude. Secondly, what is so fucking bad ass about caffeine? And finally, I know that people who are really into certain foods are “connoisseurs” or “assholes” about those foods. But I’m not asking them to drink it, and I don’t quite understand why the mere existence of these bastardizations of their precious coffee infuriates them. Why do they care? And why exactly do they think I am ordering it? Is there a decaf-nazi connection I don’t know about?

So coffee assholes, to you I say this: You fart too much, and your teeth are almost as nasty as your breath. More importantly, you need to chill out -maybe lay off the caffeine?

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 3rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.