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The List – quantifying the perfect man

There are years – I believe they are between about 11 and 13 – when every human is at their least attractive. Your skin breaks out, you start to smell – even pedophiles lose interest. When this happened to me, I helped it along by almost exclusively wearing oversized Bloom County t-shirts and bowler hats. My clothes had nothing to do with my body – I may as well have been wearing big cardboard signs that said “HEY, did you watch VH1’s half-hour comedy hour last night? I did.” Knowing this, it may come as no shock to hear that boys did not like me.

(Not that girls did, either. Local actors, though? Ate me up with a SPOON. A good 70% of my socializing during this time was with local actors. And let me tell you – local actors give bullshit advice like “be yourself”, and “you look good in Roger Rabbit novelty pins”, clearly just paying forward all the abuse they must have gotten as kids.)

Since I was not going to attract an actual real live boy any time soon, my best friend, Mica, and I started making a list of attributes we’d require in a boyfriend. These included (but were in no way limited to):

  • Funny
  • Wears hats
  • Good (shaggy, but not too long) hair
  • Likes movies and books
  • Plays an instrument (sax, guitar, or drums, spec.)
  • Wears suspenders
  • Wears leggings (Mica’s item, not mine.)

Tall order, right? But I think you can see that this list was basically a recipe for pure raw sexuality. Clearly we were looking for this guy:


Or him:

This entry was posted on Friday, October 30th, 2009 at 5:02 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “The List – quantifying the perfect man”

  1. Rommel Says:
    October 30th, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    This is uncannily similar to my man list. The only thing is I grew up among a bunch of drunks at the bar my mom worked at. So added to that list is:

    1. Must always have jukebox change handy.
    2. Is good at pool.

  2. M- Says:
    October 30th, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    Can fix things.

  3. Rachel Says:
    November 5th, 2009 at 1:24 am

    must love to dance – either like Patrick Demsey (love the clip!) or the hot main guy in “girls just wanna have fun” (whatever happened to that hunkasaurus?)
    did not consider Roger Rabbit attractive – but totally into a different cartoon – Eric in The Little Mermaid
    must have a good name – like “Jake Ryan”

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