Cosmo
Do I buy Cosmo? Yes. Am I proud of it? No. God, no. I tear off the cover so that the mustachioed hipsters on the train can imagine I am reading DJs and Rocketships or whatever magazines they read. It is an awful magazine, and yet every month I am sucked in by it’s promises of SEXY SECRETS! and CELEBRITY WEIGHT LOSS TRICKS! Honestly, you could sell me a plastic baggie of dogshit and metal filings if you slapped a few stickers on it that said “Hot Sex Tricks!” “Lose Weight While You Sleep!” and “Magical Jeans That Will Make People Love And Respect You!”
But wow, is it bad. This month’s issue included a feature called Grab His Butt Like This. I am not even lying you guys. Someone went to college and got a journalism degree and now instructs androids, autistics, and Cosmo readers on how to properly touch their human boyfriend’s ass. There is also an article entitled How To Get Him To Tell The Truth, which I expected to be about waterboarding. Actually, it is all about how to manipulate your liar boyfriend into lying to you less often.
And worst of all, WORST OF ALL (I swear to god, go to a newsstand and check for yourself) there is an article actually listed as: When Your Hoo-ha’s Burning: Don’t Use This Common Cure! HOO. HA. Come on, ladies and gays of Cosmo – cut to the chase and entitle it “Nasty Pussy - Cranberry Juice Won’t Fix A Broken Snatch, Dummy!”
I just wish it was written by witches. Then all the advice might actually be effective, instead of impotent and manipulative. Plus it would be more fun. Articles like 5 Risks That’ll Make You More In Love will be full of cool things like “Kill a virgin at midnight! Bleed into his cereal! Never wear panties/always wear a rat’s skull!” Gut Feelings You Should Never Ignore would have some entertaining “Your spell has been thwarted by a more powerful warlok”, “Your monkey is turning evil”, or “The undead have a score to settle with you” material. And Must Have Items would definitely not be a leather jacket, oversize tote and a tiered miniskirt. It would be a spooky hooded robe, extra eyeball, and a tiered miniskirt. Just because you’re a witch doesn’t mean you can’t slut it up some too.
Originally posted 8/12/09
August 12th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I hate to be the one to point this out but I think what you really desire is a witchcraft magazine…This may please you http://www.whitemagic.com.au/wcraft/
=P
August 12th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
It would be helpful to know whether your monkey was turning evil. They’re so…sly.
August 12th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Ms. Skinner, you have done it again. Namely being remind me of what it’s like to sit here in tears, trying to hold in laughter so I don’t have to explain to the nasty librarian why I am making so much of a ruckus.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Ok, I need to admit, that I too, read Cosmo. At least you are a woman. Imagine how hard it is for me to read about when your hoo-ha is burning. But the anthropological insight into the female psyche is too compelling. I’m always disappointed with the sex tips though-they need a guy writing that. That and the ads are practically porn. Ok, I feel dirty now- like I was caught wearing the wife’s underwear or something.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:31 am
I used to read Cosmo when I was a teenager in an attempt to figure out women. As an adult I’m depressed and angry a lot.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:43 am
This is brilliant! And, by the way, Helen Gurley (?girly) Brown IS a witch. Check her out, and all will be revealed. (I’m ashamed to say that– as you may remember– I used to be a Cosmo junkie… admittedly begun before Burt Reynolds was the centerfold.) You may be able to kick the habit in your 40s… but, in the meantime, stand tall. Don’t tear that cover off! Start using a highlighter, and people will think you’re on an important assignment…
August 13th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Really great read – are you having fun with it? Keep up the good work and good luck with your site!
August 13th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
That’s some funny stuff, dick pie!
August 16th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Androids and autistics: they’re an important demographic.