elizaskinner.net – the jambox

Sorry, we were home sick last Friday & missed the column. But now we’re back and much less snotty!

Dear Esteemed Eliza and Venerated Bentley,
I have been working in the industry that I want to make a career out of for a couple years now.  Right now I work as a contractor (temp).  I want to move to a full time gig.
I exceed all the posted qualifications, and could easily do the job and still have time
for lunch and a walk around the park.
It is with that, that I find my situation puts me on the frustrated side of life.  I recently applied for an open position at the company that I am contracting for.  Me, as well as a good number of other well qualified contractors applied for the job.  While I did not expect to get the job, I believed that some one that had proven themselves would.
A young attractive girl got hired for the position instead.  I don’t know what her qualifications are, but due to her age, I would assume that she still has accomplishments from high school on her resume.

Sincerely,
Konfused in Kirkland

Eliza: Hey man, believe me, I know what it’s like to feel like you didn’t get the job because someone else was prettier. But you know what has never helped me get a job? Worrying about that shit. And, I have to point out: you DON’T know what her qualifications are or her skills or her training. I think it’s a good idea to evaluate your competition and try to figure out why they beat you, but be careful not to use that as an excuse to slide into complacent misogyny (I learned those SATs words for SOMETHING, dammit.) But, assuming that you are right about why she was picked over you, what are some lessons you can take from this to help you move ahead?

1. Looks count. You can’t magically become a pretty lady, but you should be able to spiff yourself up a little. I’m not assuming that you come to interviews wearing Umbros and a trash can, but whatever you’re doing needs to be bumped up a notch.
2. People hire people they want to be around. If they hire you, they are going to be spending a lot of time with you, and you will be joining their team – becoming a reflection of them. You are assuming that they want to be around this girl because she’s boneable. You can’t compete with that, but you can do the friend equivalent. Be friendly – make people feel good when they see you – smile. Shit, pick up a copy of How To Win Friends and Influence People. It’s bananas, but there is some useful stuff in there.

And finally – Most employers don’t want “I could do this job super easily”, you know? They want someone who is excited to do the work, who is skilled at it, who has opinions on how it should be done but is open to working with other people’s methods and priorities. So do that.

Bentley: I find shit like this is all about smell. I mean, how much do we even use sight anyway, right? Clearly this girl smells better than you – I’d suggest you rub up against her, especially her facial glands, or get her to pee on you. You’re all set for your next interview! If that doesn’t work, claw her eyes out.

Dear Eliza and Bentley, 

I hate vacuuming, and doing the dishes, and laundry. Which would be fine if I lived by myself, but I don’t. My boyfriend is really nice about it, but I can tell it bothers him. How can I start to like housework? Or where can I find a cheap maid?

Yours,

Dirty Bird

Eliza: This question has forced me to look into the deep black hole of my soul. I would live in total squalor, except every Sunday Ben cleans the house while I guiltily push around magazines and “help”. I’ve gotten a little better about it by setting goals for myself, i.e., “If you wash all these dishes, you can watch an episode of The L Word without judging yourself.” Or by listening to the radio while I work. I mean, how else are you supposed to listen to the radio? Driving or doing housework – otherwise your hands and eyes get all “what is this shit? I’m bored! I’m getting out of here!” And you don’t want that.

Bentley: I don’t understand the problem. I don’t do any of those things and I live large. In fact, I don’t even wipe my own ass, ya’ll. HOLLA!!

Eliza: Just so we’re clear, I don’t wipe his ass either. No one does.

If you need advice from us, send an email to bentleycrabcakes@gmail.com

This entry was posted on Friday, October 16th, 2009 at 5:05 pm and is filed under Bentley E.T. Crabcakes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.