There are years – I believe they are between about 11 and 13 – when every human is at their least attractive. Your skin breaks out, you start to smell – even pedophiles lose interest. When this happened to me, I helped it along by almost exclusively wearing oversized Bloom County t-shirts and bowler hats. [...]
The problem is that my love life got off on the wrong foot. I was never attracted to the right guys for the right reasons. My first TV crush was on Fonzie – which doesn’t sound that bad until you consider that I was a 4 year-old little girl sneaking out of bed to watch [...]
Nothing can beat hope out of you – it just beats it way, way down.
Last weekend I took my friend, Mica, to see Precious: Based on the Novel Push By Sapphire for her birthday.* Let me tell you, nothing says “Happy Birthday” like watching an abused 16-year-old girl give birth to her father’s baby, and [...]
Hey Hollywood! I am in you this week!
Tonight:
Punk House @ Westside Comedy Theater
9:00.
Tomorrow:
I Eat Pandas @ UCB
9:30
Come say hi!
Photo by Anya Garrett
I want to write a musical called “AIDS”, that’s all about people dealing with rent.
Do I buy Cosmo? Yes. Am I proud of it? No. God, no. I tear off the cover so that the mustachioed hipsters on the train can imagine I am reading DJs and Rocketships or whatever magazines they read. It is an awful magazine, and yet every month I am sucked in by it’s promises [...]
Sorry, we were home sick last Friday & missed the column. But now we’re back and much less snotty!
Dear Esteemed Eliza and Venerated Bentley,
I have been working in the industry that I want to make a career out of for a couple years now. Right now I work as a contractor (temp). I want to [...]
We had gone on a date on Saturday, it was now Friday and still no word from him. I was completely stumped, because this guy was nuts about me. If our last dates had been about shoving a gyro into my hands and jamming his fist down my pants while he watched TV, I’d get [...]
It only took a few days to get a good email volley going back and forth with this guy. He was impressed with my knowledge of the Marvel cannon, and I was impressed that he got my jokes. Plus, as I said, smart, funny, model, blahblahblah. Our first date went from meeting for coffee after work to dinner [...]
Everyone loves kittens, right? They are so cute! You’d have to be crazy to not want to help poor homeless kittens, right? And yet ironically, the only people who actually do rescue work with cats are completely batshit insane. Batshit, braless, ratty-haired crazies in cut-offs and ponchos, smoking Kools next to a cage full of [...]