elizaskinner.net – the jambox

Again – Advice from me & my cat!  

Dear Bentley,

Okay, so I’m trying to get back into the dating game, but I keep hitting a speed bump.I had a little trauma just before school started, and I’m still a little shaken from it. I’m worked myself up to being able to be in the company of girls, but I nearly freak out each time one touches/hugs/pats me on the shoulder. This didn’t happen back in high school, and I just can’t seem to get over this…

Is there anything I can do to help with this gynophobia?

Thanks,
-A Noni Mouse

Eliza: Hrm, I’m not sure, A. I am a little stumped by your cryptic “trauma” – the answer could be anything from “get over it!” to “stay in physical therapy and wait for the skin grafts to heal.” So I’m going to middle of the road it and say don’t push yourself. The phrase “time heals all wounds” isn’t referring to 15 or 20 minute increments. It always takes longer than you want it to to get over anything upsetting - break ups, death, mysterious traumas. It sucks, but it’s a fact of life.

In the meantime get into therapy, and let your touchier female friends know that you’re a little jumpy about physical contact. Then take it upon yourself to be the one who initiates contact (by that I mean high fives – everyone loves high fives). Maybe being in control of it can help you get comfortable with it. And please do not have an issue with therapy – the only people who haven’t been to therapy are crazy people.

Bentley: I went through something similar after a bath a couple of years ago. Bitch put me right into a sink full of water then acted like we were all cool. WE WERE NOT COOL. She got me over it by putting tuna juice on her hands and passively lying on the floor. See if your friends will do that.

How can I get my husband to clean out the litter box?
Thanks for your advice.
-M

Bentley: Shit in it.

Eliza: Sounds good to me.

Dear Bentley and Eliza, I too have Ulcerative Colitis. Sometimes during dinner I take my pills but a friend notices and asks, “what are those?” It really isn’t something that I want to discuss at the dinner table, or at all for that matter. I usually try to make some offhand remark to get them off the topic but it’s rude and I feel bad doing it.

My question is, what is the best response to that question?

Sulfasalazin-ally Yours,

PrP

Eliza: I have found that trying to keep it secret is a losing battle – it just makes the whole thing too fascinating to the curious people around you. As soon as you say “Oh, I have this stomach condition” they get bored and want to talk about something else. If they do ask for more info, I give them the basics without being too graphic (“it’s sort of like crohn’s” works better than “my butt is broken.”) At that point one of two things happens – they get the idea that we’re talking about poopshoots and change the subject, or they say “My sister/best friend/self has that!” Telling people about it & not being ashamed of it has made me feel a whole lot better about it & made me realize that it is a lot more common than I thought.

Bentley: Excuse yourself and go to their bathroom. Come back to the table with any prescription bottles you found in the medicine cabinet and throw them at your hosts, yelling “WHAT ARE THESE FOR, JUNKIE???” If you can’t find pills, stained underwear works too.

If you have any questions for me & Benley, email us at bentleycrabcakes@gmail.com!

This entry was posted on Friday, September 25th, 2009 at 3:55 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.