elizaskinner.net – the jambox

As promised, here is the first installment of my new advice column featuring me and my cat, Bentley ET Crabcakes.

Hello Bently and Eliza. Since you’ve decided to do “self help” things, I thought I’d email you with what I need help with.

I’m not necessarily a knock out or a “hottie” or anything like that, but I have my two most recent ex-boyfriends coming after me like wolves. One was a stutterer and just plain dumb. The other was older than me and creepy and clingy. I don’t want either of them “back” and they don’t get the hint that I don’t like them because they’re still calling me, texting me, leaving me messages everywhere (including my phone, myspace, facebook,etc).

So the question is, How do I tell them to leave me alone and not come off as a bitch?

Much love,

Heather

Eliza:  Do you hint to your doctor that you might possibly have a rash or loose bone somewhere? Would you hint that you would rather not be murdered if stopped by a staggering sack-faced man with a chainsaw? You can’t hint what you want from people, especially when it’s not what they want to hear. Tell these dudes that you can’t hear from them anymore, so that both of you can move on. If they are still interested in you then anything else is leading them on. If they still can’t deal, block them from your Facebook and ichat, and don’t answer their calls – it’s doing them a favor, really. No one wants to be the unwelcome guest at the party, let alone the unwelcome guest who won’t stop knocking on the door and occasionally crying.

Don’t worry about coming off as a bitch. I mean, don’t go out of your way to be nasty to them, but come to terms with the fact that they are not going to like you for a while. They might even hate you. They have to – it’s part of the healing process: you break their hearts, they think you are a jerk, then everyone gets over it and you occasionally “like” each others Facebook updates. Don’t be a bitch and steal that important part of the process from them.

Bentley: This shit happens to me all the time. What you have to do is take a picture of your ballsac and email it to the lady – or dudes, in your case – with a note that says “One last look. Enjoy it. Now stop calling me.” Make sure you make it a high-res photo in case she wants to make it her computer wallpaper.

Bentley-

I have been dating this girl for a little while and told her when we started seeing each other that I didn’t want anything serious and she said she agreed.  Since we’ve been dating my ex and I have started to slowly rekindle things.  The new girl found out and FREAKED, even though we never decided to be exclusive, but she decided that she still wanted to see me.  Now she keeps getting upset and crying, and I know that I’m hurting her but I’m just not ready to commit to anyone.  I feel that the best solution to this problem would be for her to end things with me, but I’m getting the feeling that she’s going to continue seeing me despite the fact that we want different things.  No matter how clear that I make it that I don’t want to commit she still says that being with me is worth the hurt, even though lately I’ve just been a drunk distant asshole.  What’s making her stay and should I keep seeing her even though I know we want different things? I feel like if I’ve been clear with her I don’t have any further responsibilities, but I don’t know.

Love and Fishes,

Guilty Conscious 

Eliza: What’s making her stay? I don’t know – maybe her Dad was a jerk. Or her Mom. Or neither. It doesn’t matter. If you were holding a knife and some girl came up and started running into it with her neck, would you just stand there and let her keep doing it? Would you call her up and invite her over to stab herself in the neck some more later? Hopefully not. Because at a certain point no matter who’s idea it was, and who is saying it’s ok, you’re stabbing someone in the neck. You don’t want to be that kind of person, right? A stabber? So stop it. Don’t see her anymore. She will thrash and fight and gnash her teeth, but you are hurting her and she deserves to not be hurt – and you deserve to not think of yourself as a asshole. Cut her off cold and go be nice to the people who can hang out with you without hurting themselves. She’s her own responsibility now.

Bentley: Who made her king of the shitty non-relationship? You get to decide things too, right? Decide to stop seeing her. Don’t rub your ass across her carpet or anything, just say goodbye, get your toys, and go. BOOM!

Cachexic in Chicago here with some love life and booty questions.

So, a couple of weeks back I met this lady and, long story short, we got it on.  This was the first booty I got after a breakup so it was awesome.  Now what do I do?  I don’t normally do these kinds of things.  I was the shy guy in high school and now this.  Ideally, lots and lots of sex would be a great outcome, but I am out of my element.Cachexic in Chicago signing out

Eliza: Not sure what you’re asking – do you want to know how to find more sex, or how to proceed with this woman specifically? Number one, be cool. Be cool to this girl – email her something fun and non-demanding. When a guy sends me an email that’s like “hey, I saw an octopus with an extra head on TV and I thought of you! I’ll let you know if I see any conjoined shark babies. Signed, Brendan Fraser” I get all smiley and tingly. You, Cachexic have the power to make someone smiley and tingly! That kind of email doesn’t promise anything and it doesn’t ask for anything. It’s just nice.

Going forth from there, I’d say the most important thing either way is to keep it loose. Invite her – or a new girl if we’re going in that direction – to hang out with you and some friends, or to a party. Then split off when it’s appropriate. That way you feel like pals that ended up boning, not a budding relationship. Above all, treat her like a friend – be honest, funny, and kind to her. Let her know where you’re at and let her know when you’re not there anymore. Oh, and don’t hold her hand and DO NOT get all “you are so special to me…” or “what are you doing tomorrow?” or “I love [anything about her]….” That is shit a boyfriend does – only do it if you are prepared to be a boyfriend.

But don’t do it for too long. If you date and date and date or fuck and fuck and fuck without any actual relationships and or emotion attached you will die inside.

Bentley: Press your naked body up against the window. The birds will be scared, but the women will be intoxicated. If that doesn’t work, get out of your apartment. I’m telling you, like TWO – maybe four people, tops – come into my apartment, and I don’t want to squish nasties with any of them. That is in part because I have nothing inside my ballsac, but also because my roommates are horribly ugly to me. You have to put yourself out there. 

If you have any questions for me or Bentley, email them to BentleyCrabcakes @ gmail dot com. If we didn’t answer your letter yet, don’t worry – we’ll have more letters posted next week.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 18th, 2009 at 5:13 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.