Not As Good As You Remember
A few movies that are not as good as you remembered:
- Enemy Mine. We get it, 1980s - racism is bad. But The Fox & The Hound hammers home the same allegory without making me watch Louis Gossett Jr. give birth or do any weird amphibian dancing, and it’s way cuter. And the sets! It looks like they filmed this in someone’s garage. Someone who used to own a lot of alien puppets and poorly constructed space-trees.
- Pump Up The Volume. Remember this movie? About all the angry kids that no one listens to, man!? Perhaps you forgot, though, that said angry kids have nothing to say or be angry about, and there is almost no footage of Christian Slater without his shirt on. Boo.
- Altered States. Yes, William Hurt does become a monkeyman in this movie, but it takes FOREVER to get there. Plus he’s a dick to his wife.
- Tron. I am sorry, nerds, but really – when was the last time you watched it? I mean without falling asleep. Also Jeff Bridges seems really irritated to be in this movie. Like the whole time he’s thinking “I could have been doing Glengarry Glen Ross at the fucking Goodman. UGH!”
- Lost Boys. The movie in my memory is about Keifer Sutherland’s badass teen vampire tearing shit up on a boardwalk. The actual movie is about Jason Patric’s softdick semi-vampire angsting his way through too many soft-focus montages. But, while it is definitely not as good as I remembered, Keifer Sutherland is still a badass teen vampire in it – the nasty-scary almost-rapey kind, not the diamond-skinned boo-hoo pretty kind – so I’m probably (definitely) going to watch it again.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:14 am
Good list. Sadly, “Clockwork Orange” and “Blazing Saddles” were big disappointments to me 20 years later.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:31 am
Cannot argue with this list at all.
The one that stings is TRON because it is so true. Admittedly, part of the original joy was “Oh my god! Look at that shit! Drawn by computers!” I can’t actually defend the movie but I am still drawn to the imagery of the film and how, while still being so 80’s, holds up so well (notice I said “imagery” and not “effects”). So I still feel my heart strings pull when I see stuff about TRON Legacy (TR2N, whatever)… I also know that, yet again, they won’t be making to movie for me but for 11 year olds. (Actually the first time they were making it for me AND 11 year olds.)
July 31st, 2009 at 11:47 am
To date, my biggest experience in this regard has been THE LAST STARFIGHTER.
July 31st, 2009 at 1:43 pm
If you want to see a movie that doesn’t hold up now and won’t hold up at any point in the future, subject yourself to the Downs-Sydrome-demon-fetus that is LOST BOYS 2: THE TRIBE. Sweet merciful Travolta, is that movie terrible.
July 31st, 2009 at 7:31 pm
best lost boys summary. ever.
July 31st, 2009 at 7:32 pm
you should post that shit to imdb as the OFFICIAL PLOT AND SUMMARY.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Transformers: the animated feature film. Purchased the VHS in college then DVD six years later, sadly I still couldn’t love it like I did in the 80’s. Maybe it was the really bad music. Thankfully Bay’s “Transformers: the revenge of Megan Fox” sucked right away… so no worries of it sucking in 2029…
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:51 am
The Lost Boys is a fantastic movie. You are a ridiculous person for putting it on this list.
However, I would like to nominate ‘We’re No Angels’.
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:04 am
Clarence – You are right on both counts.
Greg – You are a ridiculous person for owning a car in Manhattan, and for ever liking ‘We’re No Angels’.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:14 pm
We all go a little ridiculous sometimes.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Sadly, Willow can be added to this list, though I think I will object to Lost Boy based on lots of reasons. Of course, I haven’t watched it in years.
Also, Teen Wolf. Though, one might beg the question if Teen Wolf was ever good, but in my memory it was at the time.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I don’t want you to be right about Enemy Mine but it’s probably aged since I last saw it.
Goddammit, when I was a kid I wanted to grow up be to be Dennis Quaid with his big manly beard.
I think Lost Boys is actually a documentary about Kiefer Sutherland.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I’m afraid to watch “The Mask” again, ever.
Whenever somebody says “I’ve never laughed so hard in my life,” I’d like to agree with them, but deep in my heart I know that I will never laugh harder than I did in the AMC Granite Run movie theater in 1994 when the dog put on the Mask in “The Mask.” If someone looks at my uncorrected lifetime enjoyment stats, they will find everything else I’ve ever experienced a distant second. Not sure how I feel about that.
I think we can all agree that “The Mask” is probably terrible, that funnier things exist in the world than the Dog-Wearing-The-Mask scene in “The Mask,” and that I’m not 11 anymore. But some memories are better left alone.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:35 am
The dark crystal – I remember it as being really amazing, at the time, of course their weren’t a lot of awesome fantasy movies back then (hello, rankin bass lord of the rings) but watching it now is like watching a shitty version of fraggle rock – which *is* still pretty good. Two mediocre fantasy films – dark crystal and willow – but willow isn’t all that bad, still.
Agree on the Last Starfighter – had a nostalgia weekend and watched that again – oh Preston…no no no.
I dunno, Tron is not awful so much as cheesey, and in small drunk alone moments cheesey is fun.
Lotta the teen comedies I thought were fun – Real genius – blerg. But Wierd science? Thanks to Bill Paxton, still awesome.
August 9th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
As far as allegories against racism, the Fox and the Hound is a pretty poor choice though. The ending is more in line with approval of segregation, as the dog let’s the fox live, but with the understanding that if the fox ever came into dog’s only territory, he would get killed.
September 28th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I’m embarrassed to admit I watched Lost Boys 2. Did you see the fat balding guy dressed up as the sax-wielding sex-machine during the transition shot from the boardwalk to the beach? It’s like they were saying “You’re stupid for liking that movie, and stupider for watching this one. Now pay me.”
Joe G, depending on your age, your data is not yet complete. If you’re in your mid-30s, for example, there’s still about a 50 percent chance that your best laugh is coming. I cling to that statistic, because for some reason I’ve yet to laugh harder than I did watching Weekend at Bernie’s. Like, people-staring-at-you-hard.
I have a hard time watching 80s movies and TV shows now, mostly because of establishing shots. We get it, it’s a house. We don’t need a forty-second zoom shot to show us we’re now going INSIDE the house. Long pauses in conversations for reactions tire me out too. I guess we were more patient back then. Before the internet and google.
But Red Dawn is my most disappointing re-watched movie. When JD and Turk put up their fists and called out “Wolverines!” I had to see it again. I wish I hadn’t.
Best 80s revisit? Gimme a Break! which was recently re-released on DVD. That show was what dramedy was all about. And Sam’s still cute as a button.