I murdered a family today.
Well, ALMOST.
This time of year the streets of New York get even more clogged with slow-moving tourists looking for starbucks and that one homesless man who is really Santa (hint: unless Santa masturbates in a cardboard box, he’s not in our lobby. Move along.) At a certain point you have to just stop fighting them and surrender the city to the loud dumb hicks.
This year’s battle is lost - I knew that when I found the door to my office building blocked by two families covered in snacks and cameras, laughing about how they both wanted to take pictures in the same place and you go first, no you, oops, oh well, isn’t that funny???? My instinct to scratch all their eyes out gave way to a calm voice that said “This place is theirs now. And its crawling with cops.”
But in an effort to help Eliza 2009, here are some tips for NYC tourists:
- Remember that you are fat. Everyone has a little bubble of personal space around them. New Yorkers have a very thin yet firm bubble that allows us to stand uncomfortably close to other people on the subway without acknowledging them or having a panic attack. Your bubble is giant and floppy and squishy and needs to move it’s fucking bag off the subway seats.
- Hold On to the Goddamn Subway poles. I know, I know, you are living your Point Break dream on the subway. You are proving that just like a REAL New Yorker, you don’t need to hold on to anything - you just surf the MTA wave. Except real New Yorkers all hold on to the poles. Here is what will happen to you: the train will start or stop more suddenly than you think, you will stumble, and you and your friends will all laaaaaugh, and then someone will murder you. You want to get murdered? Hold on to the pole.
- We walk the way you drive. So walk faster. Also, DO NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF A SIDEWALK, OR AT THE TOP OF STAIRS. Anywhere, really. Pull off the to a rest area if you must stop.
- People work here. And not like in a Disney World sort of way - we have real jobs that have nothing to do with your vacation. It is must be thrilling to see all the people going to work on Wall Street - just like in the movies - but we need to GET TO WORK, so LET US.
December 24th, 2008 at 12:50 am
Dude, I’m sorry. Slow walkers make me completely stabby, especially at work or the gym. I mean, if you’re at the gym, then WHY AREN’T YOU MOVING FASTER, LARD-ASS?
December 24th, 2008 at 1:08 am
Sometimes the best thing you can do for those people is the Christmas gift of a slow, painful death.
Also, “Your bubble is giant and floppy and squishy and needs to move it’s fucking bag off the subway seats.” made me pee a little from giggling.
December 24th, 2008 at 8:48 am
I am not convinced that I didn’t ghost-write that.
December 24th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Here I am visiting, lots of friends to see, but the NY instincts click in and the blinders go on and I’m ready to move, but let me tell you one thing.
Mister, if you don’t tell your fucking kid to stop looking over my shoulder while I play my DS on the subway, so help me I will turn around and clock him in the face! I know it’s not the kids fault, youthful enthusiasm and curiosity, but if YOU don’t teach your kid some manners people will get pissed, and you won’t always be around to protect him, so consider my clocking your kid a valuable life lesson that he needs to learn. And don’t you dare give me stink eye because I move my seat or decide to stand and now you have to deal with your kid. You spawned him, you entertain him….not my job!!!
I’m done now…thanks Eliza
December 27th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Except… the Swedish tourists (who, admittedly, usually come in the summer so they can get tan in Central Park). They are always skinny and wearing shorts.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
From what I hear, NY subways are somewhat comperable to Tokyo mass-transit, which makes a sardine can look like a spacious penthouse suite, sit down or hold on bitches!!!
And a word to all you yahoos who like to do flips and acrobatics on bars and handles, cut that shit out, you nearly kicked me in the face…
December 31st, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Oh my Christ, if I get sacked in the shins one more time with an over sized shopping bag…. I will start dropping elbows on pudgy touristy faces.
January 1st, 2009 at 5:18 pm
London is also suffering. Help us.