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Things to maybe not say on dates anymore

I feel like I’ve left you guys hanging on this whole dating issue. Sure, now we all know how to get dates, but what do you do once you’re actually ON them. I don’t know. But here are some things I’ve learned you shouldn’t say.

  • “When I was a kid I said ‘air poop’ instead of fart. It came up a lot. “
  • “Fuck Andrew Lloydd Webber, you know?? Just…fuck him.”
  • “Every time they have one of those wedding dress super-sales I think ‘Hey, maybe I should just go stock up.’”
  • “So after Ender kills the Buggers – haha, oops, spoiler! Just kidding. You’ve finished it, right? Oh. Well, he kills them.”
  • “It’s funny – at this point most of my bras are severely bloodstained.”
  • *sob* “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that at all. I loved Evita, and Starlight Express. I’m just so mad at him about Aspects of Love!”
  • “It’s like Joe Quesada hates mutants!”
  • “No, I mean, not you — other white guys are assholes.”
  • “Oh yeah, I’ve had bedbugs. It’s like apartment AIDS. I mean, except you can cure it. But then again, looking at Magic Johnson — who knows, right? He looks great. Maybe kind of fat, but good. Anyway they bit the shit out me. I mean literally, they crap blood. Yum! Hummus!”
  • “I air pooped.”

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 30th, 2008 at 10:23 pm and is filed under Nerd Queen, Why don't boys like me?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

6 Responses to “Things to maybe not say on dates anymore”

  1. Jack JL Says:
    August 30th, 2008 at 10:49 pm

    In the interest of full disclosure, if a woman said most any of those on a date with me, I would probably fall daffy in love. I have a thing for those I can guarantee incompetent to stand trial.

  2. Jo Says:
    August 31st, 2008 at 1:02 am

    While I agree that MOST of those things shouldn’t be said – seriously, f*ck Andrew Lloyd Webber!

  3. Alan Says:
    August 31st, 2008 at 4:31 am

    I live by it JOE QUESADA HATES MUTANTS.

  4. Mr. Crimson Says:
    September 5th, 2008 at 7:43 am

    Well, the ‘air poop’ line probably shouldn’t be used more than once or twice, but everything else’ll get you a second date with anyone worth a grain of salt.

    Seriously: the guy who’s offended by “f*ck Andrew Lloyd Webber” is the guy who’s not on a date with you so much as a “girl’s night out”. That’s not to say straight dudes don’t like musicals (Les Miserables is one of my favorites…), I’m just saying we’re far more likely to get offended if you tell us our football team sucks (and always has) than if you tell us the dude that brought the world “Cats” and “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Donnie Osmond” is a little overrated.

  5. Michael Says:
    September 5th, 2008 at 7:47 am

    When you mentioned Andrew Lloyd Weber, I thought the list was things dudes shouldn’t say to women. Then I realized these were things you said and/or came up with to fill in this blog…. and I thought about all the gay guys that must ask you out because you’re so awesome they think just maybe…

    That’s not to say straight men don’t like Andrew Lloyd Weber… I’m just saying I wouldn’t be personally offended if you talked sh*t about the guy.

    As for your bedbugs: flip the mattress once a month. It takes a while for the little f*ckers to find their way to the other end.

  6. Michael Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    Ah shit, it took my Mr. Crimson note. I officially have two consecutive notes on your blog entry…

    THREE!!! I have three….

    I’m on a mission to get you to reply to something I say. It’s not cheating if I mention I’m on this mission, is it?

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