elizaskinner.net - the jambox

I have terrible taste in musical theater. If you are thinking “Wait, but musical theater IS terrible - what is the difference?” allow me to introduce you to my favorite musical: Starlight Express.This show is– I mean… there aren’t words. It has taken me 3 years of blogging to mention Starlight Express because it is nearly impossible to describe the tragic magnificence of this show. I WISH I liked it ironically, because then I’d be cool and hip and surely get invited to a bunch of artsy dance parties. But I honestly LOVE this piece of shit musical, right down to my bones. I love it like a child loves a retarded parent.Before I go on, let me be clear - I am talking about the ORIGINAL LONDON production of the show. Every other production is pure crap - they later made it more of a kid’s show by taking out a lot of the weird adult stuff, and good songs. BOO!!First of all, the show is about trains, so all the actors are on rollerskates. There are racetracks extending throughout the theater, and the stage is full of moving & revolving platforms. Yes, rollerskates AND moving platforms. WTF, right? Good lord, is this show amazing. Pyrotechnics, blacklights - it’s like the production designer was thinking “that Miss Saigon helicopter can suck my dick!”The story is about a big train race, and Rusty, the little steam engine who hopes to win it. But, he’s just a little steam engine! There’s no way he can win! Unless of course he is the prophesied messiah train, The Starlight Express. Yeah, there is a messiah train. Oh, also all the engines are fucking the passenger cars, who look like sexy robot barbies. Rusty is much nicer than most of the other asshole engines, so he is hoping to get the newest passenger car, Pearl, to race behind him (read: fuck) but she is white, and he is black. I AM SO SERIOUS YOU GUYS! They are TRAINS with racial issues.Now, twenty years later, I am still not sure what kind of car Pearl was supposed to me. The other sluts coaches introduce themselves with verses like:

My name’s Ashley - I’m the smoking carI tried to quit the habit but my inside’s used to tarI know that if I don’t give up I might choke or have a strokeThat scares me, and when I’m scared -Boy I need a smoke.

Or:

Buffy at your service - ever open wideMy microwave is cookin’ to warm you from insideA lotta locomotion will do the trickCome and bite my burgersI’m hot and cheap and quick

But Pearl’s cryptic introduction is:

My name’s Pearl, I’m a brand new girl,my springs still bounce my fans still whirlAin’t gonna smoke, ain’t gonna drink**What are you gonna do?**Whattaya think?!

Wait, what? I still don’t know! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?? Is it dirty? As I child I assumed this meant she was the sexing car, but couldn’t find a punny justification in her name. In later productions they cleared it up by writing “Observation Car” on her costume. I am still confused.The secondary plot is about Dinah, the dining car, who used to sleep with the deisel engine, Greaseball, before he started constantly trying to date rape her friend Pearl. Dinah is desperately trying to get Greaseball back, but he dumps her again - leaving her a dirty used up service car with terrible self esteem. She sings:

Was I corroded? Or overloaded?Maybe I shamed him. Who would have blamed him?If he thought me second class - went in search of chrome and brass.Went to find some other fool like me.

But don’t worry - Greaseballs sidekick, C.B., is in love with Dinah. His song “There’s Me” is legitimately one of the most pathetic and touching songs in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s cannon. It’s about loving someone even though you know that you’re not the person they hoped would love them. Or the train they hoped would love them. Whatever.Oh, also, there’s a rapping bisexual eletric train with a mohawk, who freaks everyone the fuck out.Anyway, spoiler!! Guess who the Starlight Express really is!

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 3rd, 2008 at 11:22 am and is filed under Nerd Queen, Why don't boys like me?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.