elizaskinner.net – the jambox

On Wednesday, my friend Silvija and I went to see Legally Blonde on Broadway. I loved it – not quite as much as I loved the movie, but only because the lead was not Luke Wilson, so I didn’t want to lick him. Legally Blonde is great because it twists a classic princess story into a hero myth, which totally gives me a feminist boner. The culmination of it is a proposal where -Warning! Spoilers!- the princess gets down on one knee and proposes to her Law School TA.

I would never be able to do that. I am too pushy and impatient to be a prize, but I also want to be the girl. I want to be adored and wished for by someone, but the second I get the whiff of it I knock the drink of his hand and shout “Hey, you like me! Right? RIGHT?? Let’s Karaoke! Look what I can do!!– ” Metaphorically. I mean, I can’t play “hard to get” – the closest I get is playing “previously unaware you existed, now rabid for your attention.” It doesn’t create the atmosphere for pining or poetry. I guess I’m just not the marrying type – I’m the living-in-sin type.

Which is not to say I don’t have my imaginary wedding laid out in great detail. I do. I mean, I haven’t been planning my wedding since I was a kid or anything. Instead, I spent a lot of time imagining freak school assembly accidents that would necessitate my saving the day by performing an awesome lip-synced dance routine to “Bad Boys” by the Miami Sound Machine. Or home alone, imagining surprise parties for myself to explain my lack of friends (“Surprise! Got you! We had to act like we didn’t like you for the past 3 years to set up this party! Gasp – Oh no! Katie broke her leg – can anyone lip sync?” ) I only started planning my own wedding when I started going to my friends weddings. It started as a list of Things I Would Do Differently (items #1-5: Open Bar!), but eventually I started adding other details. Assuming I’ll never actually GET married, what good is that? It’s a blog post, folks.

My Imaginary Wedding, by Eliza Skinner

1. Open Bar.
2. My groom is John Stamos. Hear me out! John has already been through one marriage, he’s humbled and realistic. Also, he clearly goes for smoking hot ladies – his last wife was Rebecca Romjim. If I’m marrying him, I am not only hot, but also the hot girl who “isn’t a bitch”. Plus, come on – everybody wants to bone Uncle Jesse! Have mercy.
3. I have a big white dress – corsetted top & tulle skirt – and John Stamos wears a white suit. The tulle underlayers of the skirt are bright turquoise. I have no more than 5 bridesmaids, and they wear Butter By Nadia dresses and cat ears. OOH – and paw mittens! Dave Coulier is not invited.
4. I walk in to “Back in Black” by AC/DC.
5. When the person officiating (who will be an astronaut. One who HAS gone into space, not a fake one.) says “I now pronounce you man and wife”, he will light flash power and produce a dove from his bible. HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE? John Stamos will love it.
6. The Ceremony is INSIDE & climate controlled – no bugs or sweaty hippy crap. Preferably at a museum or antique movie palace.
7. The reception is at a roller rink, where Uncle Jesse and I perform a choreographed “first dance” on golden rollerskates. After about an hour everyone can take off the skates and just dance.
8. At the reception, we have chocolate cake with buttercream icing. It should be in a novelty shape, but I will let Jesse John pick the shape. If he is indecisive, it will be in the shape of a panther wrestling a woman.
9. DJ and a coverband. NO ORIGINALS. (Unless the band is Journey.)
10. OPEN BAR.

Originally posted 5/4/2007

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