elizaskinner.net - the jambox

I get a lot of hits from google searches for “What do women want?” I also get a fair amount for “Why don’t boys like me?” Sadly, I cannot even attempt to answer the latter, since I clearly don’t know anything about boys except that once you tell them about that time you fisted a bellman they will never want to date you. But I do know a thing or two about what women want, and I’ll tell you.

1. Flowers. Yes, it is that easy, and no it’s not cheesey or needy or whatever stupid thing you’re thinking. Buy a woman flowers, or better yet SEND them, and you are make her feel like something very special. Special enough to give lots of blow jobs. Cost - $10 and up.
2. To be told we are pretty. Or gorgeous. Luminous. Get creative! If the woman in question is single, she is looking for someone who thinks she’s amazing and is so attracted to her he (or she) will ravage her skillfully. Get the ball rolling by telling her you are so attracted to her (and then read up on skillful ravaging). If the woman in question is your girlfriend or wife, she has traded the compliments and possibility of ravaging from the rest of the world for you and your stained t-shirts. You better at LEAST tell her she’s beautiful, because unless she’s cheating on you, no one else is. Cost - Free.
3. Fancy/Thoughtful dates. You know what we do with friends? Grab drinks and go to movies. You know what we don’t do? Have sex with them in the bathroom during a party. Ok, well, sometimes. But for the most part if you want her to think of you as more than a friend, act like it. Man up - ask her on a real date, one you have planned, somewhere you think she might like. Nothing kills a ladyboner like the phrase “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” Like the flowers, a real date makes her feel special and what good are you if you’re not making her feel special? Cost - $0 and up.
4. Ass Grabbing. Not ALL the time. But enough to know that the ass in question is approved of and lusted after. I mean, we’ve got a lot to worry about back there - is it too big? Too small? Too flat or lumpy or wide? We don’t know! We can’t even see it! You grab it, passionately yet discreetly, and we are reassured. This is especially important if you are in any sort of long term relationship. If you’re in an LTR and you’re not already grabbing her ass regularly, you should go find your balls and figure out which of your friends she’s boning. Cost - Free.
5. To be heard & seen. Everyone wants to be understood, but that’s a tall order. Plus, sometimes the people who really understand you would be totally boring to date. You need a little difference & mystery - people don’t masturbate thinking of themselves. (Except James Woods. Don’t you think? I’m pretty sure.) Instead of worrying about total soul understanding, just let her know you see her & hear her, and notice things about her. Seriously, this can be as simple as “you wear a lot of blue” or as complex as “It sounds like people dump a lot on you because they think you’re strong. Must be tough.” Try to keep it positive, “your head is too small for your body” and “boy you talk about your cat a lot, is that because your relationships with humans are generally unsuccessful?” will not get you far. Cost - Free.
6. Surprises. Who doesn’t like surprises? Not like “birthday roast” or “cancer” surprises, obviously, but smaller benign surprises are magical. I have a friend who wistfully told me about how his mother used to surprise him with a new action figure left on his bed from time to time, for no reason other than to make him happy. He told me this 15 years after it happened. Surprises leave a special indelible imprint. Cost - $0 and up
7. Be on her side. Even if it means taking a punch. You only live once, don’t play it safe and don’t stand in the middle of the road. She’d be on your side, right? Otherwise, dump her. Cost - Free
8. A white camaro t-top with a big red bow on it. Hey man, I didn’t say “engagement ring” right? One or the other, dude, one or the other. Cost - check craigslist.

Basically, there are two rules of thumb here: be a hero, make her feel like a princess. When in doubt, do whatever will fufill either of these requirements. Originally posted 1/5/2008

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