Hey Ladies!
Please, don’t let me come between you.
I figure my readership breaks down thusly:
- 40% porn enthusiasts misled by google searches for “douchebag tittyfuck”
- 15% bored racists
- 5% the rest of my family
- 10% stalkers
- 13% nerds
- 2% Glennis
- 15% my ex-boyfriends’ new girlfriends/wives
Oh yeah, I know you’re reading this, NewGirlFriends. I know because I read your sites, too (and because you sometimes comment.) But I must admit, it makes me even more cautious about my postings than knowing that my parents read this. Sure - you’re not going to comment with a story about the time I peed on a snake when I was 3, but you are going to get all…upset. I’m not here to upset! I am here for the laughs! I’m all about the jokes!
So, relax NGFs, and please note the following:
- I do not want your boyfriend. At one point I may have been interested in hooking up with exes, but now it just feels like eating a sandwich out of the trash. I’m not that hungry.
- If anything, I probably improved your boyfriend. I date fuck-ups - if your guy is no longer a fuck-up, it might just be partly because I explained that repeatedly coming home drunk and shoeless is a bad idea, or how “Ugh, that is the gayest thing ever,” is not the best way to react to breakfast in bed.
- I am not a bitch. If he says I was, he’ll probably say that about you too. Just something to think about.
- Yeah, he said that song was about me, too.
- I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything about that smell. I really tried! Good luck, sister.
June 6th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I’m still trying to decide which category I belong in. I mean, “douchebag tittyfuck” didn’t bring me here, but it’s what keeps me here, you know?
June 6th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Holy shit. “I do not want your boyfriend. At one point I may have been interested in hooking up with exes, but now it just feels like eating a sandwich out of the trash. I’m not that hungry.” is the greatest thing I’ve read on the internet, like, all day. At least in the past half-hour or so.
June 6th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
For the record, he said that song was about me, too.
(Also, we stalker-nerds demand our own statistical category.)
June 6th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Harsh… but accurately pithy.
June 7th, 2008 at 1:25 am
sigh, i’m a lurker, but not a stalker. do i still fall in the stalker category?
June 7th, 2008 at 10:09 am
You are genius. Period.
June 8th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
I’m with Morgan!
June 9th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
I am not bored.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I just want to point out that if Glennis is one person and 2 % of your readership, then 2 must be evenly divisible into the other percentages, so your statistics are off. Of course, I am one of the 6.5 nerds.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
What about all the people who crossover in the breakdown I am sure that there are a few bored racists who are also porn enthusiasts, that are nerds and stalkers as well. Boy those would be the scary ones, hopefully they are not this glennis person whoever that might be?
June 18th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
bitch you cray-cray.
and mad intelligent.
and funny.
- ngf 4eva
or not - because i won’t be new when you know me longer than you do now. actually - i don’t know if i consider myself entirely new. since i’ve known you more or less pretty well for around a year now. so i’m gonna sign off sngf for sort of new girl friend. i’m bored.
sngf
also spdic (slowly & painfully dying in a cube)