Summer Goals
By fall, I’ll be able to take her in a knife fight.
With Memorial Day behind us, summer has officially begun. So now is the time to roll out my summer goals. This year’s focus is on being a badass. Specifically, being more of a badass than Mariah Carey.
Will this make me the coolest person ever? Maybe. Who knows? The point is that I cannot let Mariah Carey be more of an ass kicker than me. She can be a better singer, have bigger boobs, be far far more weathly than me - but I’m not going to let her be more dope. My hella dope-ness is ALL I HAVE.
I have spent the morning reviewing her music videos and have come up with a short list of experiences and abilities that she demonstrates, which I do not have. By labor day, I hope to have conquered them all.
- Dive from a balcony into a pool (Honey)
- Kick my own ass (Heartbreaker)
- Rollerblade* (Fantasy)
- Pilot a hot air balloon (Dream Lover)
- Drive a jetski (Honey)
- Leave a man at the altar (We Belong Together)
- Tag a stadium (Shake it Off)
- Catch a unicorn (Touch My Body)
As of right now, I have no idea how to accomplish any of this. If anyone has any connections to jetskis, hot air balloons, or anything else helpful, please let me know. Hopefully I will be able to document it all.HOLD ME TO IT, INTERNET!
*No, I can’t rollerblade. Shut up.
May 27th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Don’t forget:
Star in a slightly fictionalized movie about your own life (Glitter)
May 27th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
hmm…yeah, but that 1) wasn’t in a video, and 2) isn’t badass enough.
Yes, rollerblading is.
May 27th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
You forgot one: go to school with Ol’ Dirty Bastard. No wait, he’s dead. Nevermind.
“Me and Mariah go back like babies and pacifiahs.” - ODB
May 27th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Awesome! And yes, I will hold you to this, cus you know once you say something on the internets there’s no going back!
May 27th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
All I can say is this……….
Have a spotter…. And stretch first….
(Although, if you need a patsy to take a quick day trip to Vegas, rent a “funky”, retro, 70’s inspired, powder blue suit to get left at something vaguely resembling an “altar” in, lemme know. I have weekends off.)
Oh yeah…. and make sure you post pictures of the unicorn. The last one I saw turned out to be two guys on “Claritin” in a horse costume with a waffle cone super-glued to the front. It was, sadly, less awe-inspiring than it sounds.
- Kenny G.
May 27th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Oh yeah… forgot to mention…
I can’t rollerblade either. Welcome to the club. Our dues are $1 annually. You get a bi-monthly newsletter and a membership card*.
- Kenny G.
*- Membership card does not come laminated . Member assumes all responsibility for membership card maintenance. To report membership card damage, please contact the New Card Department at sorry@toughluckskippy.net.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:26 am
Looks like Ms. Carey just got cooler…
http://www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com/2008/05/mariah-carey-throws-a-pitch.html
You’ve got some catching up to do, miss.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Rollerblading is easy, actually. Hard to get up the courage to fall. Took me weeks. After a few weeks I was skating with the local (rollerblade) skate punks. You can do it. We have faith in you.
May 30th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I think you might be able to one-up Mariah here … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5p8jXfiwj8
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:16 am
Some years ago, a friend bought me rollerblades for my birthday. When she took me out skating, she saw that I was being too damned cautious. So she asked me to join her at a large concrete piling, and to rest my elbow on it. I was wearing padded wrist and elbow guards, which I tell you because…
…she picked up my forearm and SLAMMED my elbow back down onto the piling as hard as she could!
And I barely felt anything. And after that demonstration of the protective gear’s effectiveness, I loosened up a lot, and learned much more quickly.