Know when to fold ‘em.
If you ask my friends to tell you three absolutes about me they would quickly reply 1) she loves octopuses, 2) she always mooches gum, and 3) she never breaks up with someone when she should. It is true, I do love octopuses. And yes, I stay in relationships way past the expiration date. Even when something happens or is said that makes it abundantly clear that it is time to go, I will casually glance at the clock and say “yeah, I’m going to have to go soon…but I can stick around for one or two more.”
In the spirit of bad taste, here is a list of warning signs, red flags, and death knells that really should have made me grab my jacket and hit the road immediately, instead of taking a “wait and see how bad it gets” approach:
- Couldn’t spell my name correctly, after 8 months of dating.
- Asked me, “If you were the same age as your Dad, would you date your Dad? Because I’d date my Mom.”
- Frequently brought up “the NY war”, as in “when the NY war breaks out I’m leaving town without you.”
- Didn’t introduce me to his parents because it would “confuse them.”
- Broke into my apartment in the middle of the night to tell me he was sorry he was drunk. Again.
- Told me that we should no longer kiss because it was too sexual, and offended the Lord.
- Every single one of my friends told me they hated him.
- Told a lot of funny stories about when he thought he was gay.
- Said “coochie” as though it wasn’t the most disgusting term he could use.
March 27th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Alisa Skiner?
Were #’s 6, 8 and 9 the same guy? If so, I have a wacky theory. (#5 could work, too.)
March 27th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Nope. Three different guys.
Elizah.
March 27th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
I really hope this is on your yahoo personals profile.
March 27th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Not being a New Yorker myself, I would love to get some greater details about this impending NY War. Who exactly is NY fighting? Every borough for themselves?
March 27th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Poor Eelizah.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:29 am
Bless your heart, Elizah. Just run. Run run run.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Octopi FTW saw one scuba diving on vacation.
March 28th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Is your ex-boyfriend Ol’ Bananaface actually crying in that photograph?
March 28th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Is that picture Photo Shopped? If it isn’t I would definitely add “if the guy has the head of a banana or any other fruit or vegetable” as a reason not to stick around…
March 30th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Here’s one that’s on my list:
Climbed the tree outside of my second floor apartment, jumped onto the balcony, and broke through my patio doors at 3 a.m. on a Wednesday to see if I wanted to go out.
I’m reading you loud and clear.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:34 am
I wish we could have dated so I could eventually and inevitably make this list. Also, to finally get some of that coochie action. Coochie.
March 31st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Oh my gosh I love this post. I was tooling around Inarticulate Fumbling’s blogroll and found you. I’ll be back, that’s for sure. Offensive to the Lord… I love that. I’ve actually had it used on me!! And the dating his mom bit… priceless. And terrifying.
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
“Told me that we should no longer kiss because it was too sexual, and offended the Lord.”
I talked to the Lord. He say’s that’s a totally gay thing to do. Or not to do. Dunno. The Lord is hard to understand at times. Mumbles a lot.
April 5th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
What about the painted van with the blacked out windows thing? Is that no longer a qualifying (or anti-qualifying) point?