Guide to St. Patrick’s Day in NYC
Greenpandas
The short answer is: Stay home. Unless you are a 6-foot-tall 200-pound red-faced frat boy, you are going to get the short end of the stick all day. Especially the stick where that frat boy starts screaming “WOOOOOO!OO!OO!O!!!” and/or spitting up near your shoes.
But, if you must venture out into the city, here are my tips:
- For the love of God, just wear some green. The morning’s pinch quickly becomes a punch in the neck by noon.
- But, don’t wear too much green. This is the mark of loneliness or enthusiastic alcoholism.
- Expect green poop. Between the shamrock shakes, and the green bagels, there’s a good chance you’ll encounter some green poop either in the privacy of your home or in the middle of the sidewalk. Don’t let it startle you.
- Avoid 5th Ave, Herald Square, and anyplace vaguely Irish. They will undoubtedly be surrounded by rivers of vomit.
- Keep moving. No matter what happens - do not slow down or pause for any reason. Within seconds there will be a novelty hat on your head and a beerbong down your throat.
- Green beer before liquor never sicker - Green liquor before beer, kinda queer. Also, green poop.
- If all else fails - whatever happens, make sure you end up with the master tape. Nothing ever truly gets deleted from the internet.
- Come see I Eat Pandas at the UCB at 9:30! 306 West 26th street at 8th Ave. Only $5!
March 17th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Uncle O’Grimacey looks like a scrotum.
March 17th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
So this podunk southern town goes ape over St. Patrick’s Day. Who’da thunk it with all these waspy types running the place. (I’m wearing black.)
March 17th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
A message for Justin from your good pals at the Scrotal Safety Commission…
If something that is green and fuzzy reminds you of a scrote, you might want to schedule an appointment with your Doctor ASAP.
March 17th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
if i came to see your show would i have the pleasure of afterpartying with your ladyship?
March 18th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
What the hell is Grimace anyways? I mean I don’t even know what species he is and here he has some Irish Uncle? Does he also have a Mexican cousin that comes around on Cinco de Mayo? I wonder if he has a relative that comes around during Pride Week?
March 18th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
I’m convinced that the “WOOOOOO!” is an actual tribal mating call.
A few years ago, my friend Neil and I were at his studio at SUNY Albany really late, working on stuff for an art show. It was Albany’s “SpringFest”, so naturally, there were herds of loud, drunk asshats and asshatettes roaming the campus.
Through the open window, we could hear the calls of two alternating “WOOOOOO!” tribes eminating from different sides of the quad. First came the low-pitched male version, followed within seconds by the higher, straight-out-of Total-Request-Live female variation. The dueling contingents were growing closer with each subsequent call-and-response round of “WOOOOOO!”s… I imagine, using the call much in the way that bats find food using their inborn radar.
After a few minutes of observing the pattern, Neil and I decided to fuck with the rhythm…
DUDES: “WOOOOOO!”
[3 second pause as girls adjust direction of travel toward the sound]
GIRLS on right side of quad: “WHOOOOO!”
[3 second pause as guys hone in on their quarry]
DUDES on left side of quad: “WOOOOOO!”
[1 second pause as we lean out the window]
NEIL & DAVID, emulating the dudes out of turn: “WOOOOOOOO!!!”
[2 second pause]
ONE ANGRY SOUNDING DUDE, suddenly ready to kick someone’s ass: “WHO IS THAT???”