Suffering slings, arrows, and Cloverfield.
I saw Cloverfield the other night. I thought it was super fun - it made me want to start walking around screaming indiscriminantly and knocking down buildings. I suppose I always identify with the villain. I certainly don’t know WHAT the heros were thinking.
I don’t think I’m giving too much away by saying the central plot is about a d-bag and his friends trying to get across Manhattan to save a girl he slept with. This shocked me, way more than the monster. I mean, this monster was a nasty motherfucker - the greatest suspension of disbelief for me was buying that no one shit their pants or spit up on themselves when they saw it. Why would you go anywhere near that, for ANYONE?
This made me realize that I would probably be the worst person in the world to have at any sort of apocalyptic event. I guarantee I would be the first person to sit down and start screaming “We’re all going to die! We’re all going to die!” I practically do that when I run out of hamburger buns. When I watch zombie, monster, or war movies I always assume death is the only solution. When the soldier says, “We’re down 15 men and surrounded by zombie dinosaur viet-cong. What do we do, Captain?” I think, “Die! You will die! Think about the math!”
I am honestly surprised every time they don’t die. Lord of the Rings overwhelmed me so completely I fell asleep watching it. There is NO WAY that rag-tag bunch of dwarves and hobbits would have beated wraiths or orcs. No way! Look at them! Did the movie even explain how it would be plausible in any way? No. No, it didn’t. Or maybe I was asleep for that part. The point is, I would have given up immediately. “Here, here is the ring - this is what you wanted, please don’t hurt me, especially in the face.”
Now, this is not to say that I am one to run from a fight. I will stick up for someone or something without question. I just run from stupid fights, where I will definitely die. And it’s not so much “run” as it is “curl into a ball and cry snotty sobbing tears”. Evil, you have nothing to fear from me.
January 31st, 2008 at 3:38 am
Excuse me! I’m sorry, I just seem to recall you representing both, the “Bullets and Bracelets” comic book last year and, more recently, “Big Bitches.” Those are things we agree upon. But I’m not sure exaclty where you’re coming from on this, I mean, JJ (Abrams, we’re on a first set of initial name basis) really crafted a spectacularly realistic film in “Cloverfield.” Just the other day when an obvious copyright infringement of a DIFFERENT non-godhira monster was attacking my town I thought to myself, “wasn’t there a chick I thought was hot when I was drunk once?” “I’ll bet she’s all helpless now and would have sex with me forever if I got all my friends killed trying to save her.” Really, when it is most likely left out of the awards race next year, (much like the remake of “House of Wax” was in 2007) I will be sad enough to eat a gingerbread house. Edit: Gingerbread HORSE, a gingerbread HORSE will have a much larger penis than a gingerbread HOUSE, and, mathematically: Eating+Penis=Sad.
February 1st, 2008 at 2:36 am
and didn’t it seem weird that the guy behind the camera kept making these perfect one-liners, even as his world crumbled around him and his friends all died? I love a good witty retort in the face of a gigantic monster as much as the next guy. but dude, how about some respect for the dead?
also, I can’t get over the fact that the actor playing the cameraman, TJ Miller, is a pretty funny comedian.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6ARwFwe7C4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCO5muBDyLY
February 4th, 2008 at 4:54 am
You are funny. I like you.
February 7th, 2008 at 2:07 am
seriously, what were they thinking? and why the FUCK did that boy not call that girl back after BOINKING her? he is a douche bag and nothing can redeem him from that, even the wandering through the alien infested streets of Manhattan, with only goodwill in his heart. he’s a moron, she’s a moron for falling for a guy like that, and everyone is a moron for getting in that subway tunnel and trapping themselves like rats. run-ons are ALSO moronic.
still though, great movie, made me excited to feel like i was there, and the psuedo professionalism of the camera work was pretty great, i kept getting pissed off that the angle was wrong, and the composition was incredibly off.