elizaskinner.net - the jambox

In support of the WGA strike, and Britney Spears, I am posting a rerun today. This entry was originally posted May 17, 2007,  before Lindsay went to rehab or Paris went to jail. When Britney still had custody or her kids. I still stand behind it.

 

Seriously. I could be friends with this girl, no problem.

I’m going to say what we’re all thinking: I could fix Britney. Instead of hating her, as we do most overexposed starlets these days, I think the public just wants to kidnap her and make her less crazy.

Lindsay? Lindsay’s gone. We hate her. She’s wrecked, and completely unaware of it. The infuriating thing about Lindsay is her penchant for getting all deep and telling interviewers “the way life is” like her crazy ass has it all figured out. You want to crash your car into crazytown that bad? Go ahead, Lindsay.

Paris is clearly an alien sent to enslave the world by making us US Weekly-addicted zombies. We will get stupider and stupider until we are all lifeless sacs of flesh and bones squeezed into Bebe halter tops, sputtering “thassexy…hot…sexyhothawwwwtttttt…”. Then her home planet will harvest us for our teeth.

But Britney still has a chance. Yes, she is crazy. And tacky…and she has the priorities of 9-year-old glitter & candy addict (”Pretty! Shiny! Tasty! Baby?”) But, she gets it. I think this whole meltdown was a result of her suddenly and drastically Getting It. She looked around one day and realized that her life was owned by everyone in the world but her, and that it was simultaneously worth millions of dollars and nothing at all. This was at the same moment that she realized she had wasted years of her life and her wrecked body on a douchebag who probably can’t even spell “K-Fed” let alone rhyme it. As she was realizing all this she must have also noticed that everyone lies to her. Her parents, managers, handlers - they all just want to keep her blind and happy and churning out money. This is when she went bananas and thought “fuck this! I’m shaving my head! And getting ugly tattoos!”

If Britney Spears just moved into my shitty Queens 1BR with me, I truly believe we could make some progress. I imagine it like the Miracle Worker, but instead of teaching her sign language, I’d teach her to watch Top Model and stop wearing cowboy hats. Since I don’t live off her, I would have no problem not lying to her when she says or does something retarded. I would also not care too much if she did act like an idiot, as long as she didn’t mess up my stuff. The only rules are no dogs, no babies, and no sitting on anything without underwear on.

I guess I’m saying I think Britney just needs a real friend, who doesn’t want anything from her except someone to split popcorn with at the movies, and I think it’s sad that she probably won’t ever get one.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 14th, 2008 at 10:00 am and is filed under Most Popular Posts, celebrititties, feminist ramblings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.