Jew are Mistaken.
In honor of Christmas, I am reposting this heartwarming holiday tale I originally posted two years ago. I swear I’ll write more soon, get off my dick. Happy Holidays.
I got a call at 2 am last Christmas eve/morning. I sitting on the floor of my living room, surrounded by tape and bows and glossy Christmas-themed wrapping paper, furiously putting together last minute gifts for my family. The phone rang, and I - as per usual - assumed everyone I knew had been killed or crippled and I would have to spend the rest of my life grieving for them or driving them places. But no, nothing like that had happened. It was just a drunk former co-worker who happened to still know my phone number, and wanted to chat at 2am on Christmas.
After a few moments of drunken pleasantries, I asked him why he called. Well, really I asked him “So….what’s up?” which is the standard code for “why the fuck are you calling me at 2am?” He replied (for real, I am not shitting you) “Well, it’s Christmas and I knew my Jew friend would be up….”
Jew Friend? Okay, 1) I am not jewish. I am not a jew. But 2) even if I were, I don’t think I’d want to be identified as someone’s “Jew Friend”. And, like the strip-joint doorman, this guy was SO confident in his assumtion that he then fought me on it when I said to him “Ben, I’m not jewish.”
“Wait, what?”
“I’m not jewish.”
“Really? But I thought…”
“Nope”
“But you’re so funny!”
This was not my first Jew mistake. I have been mistaken for a Jew many times, and it usually has something to do with his last point. I’m involved in comedy, so I’m a Jew. I am sure this kind of bigotry is hard for hilarious gentiles or boring Jews to hear about - but I’m telling you, it’s out there. I have also been asked to explain things about “my”people or religion countless times to coworkers, friends, and once to a boyfriend’s family as they tried to be accepting of the sweet little Jewess he had brought home.
Only gentiles make this mistake, by the way. Never actual Jews. Or maybe they do, but are classy enough to figure it out without giving me shabbat candles or asking me if I can work Easter Sunday for them.
September 21st, 2005 at 12:42 pm
Happy New Year!…oh wait, my bad…
What the hell are torah candles? We never had those at my synagogue…
September 21st, 2005 at 5:09 pm
They are candles in the shape of adorable little ancient scrolls? What do I know? I’m a goy, goddammit!!
September 24th, 2005 at 3:14 pm
You’re a Shiksa, I think
September 25th, 2005 at 1:46 pm
AUGH!
February 18th, 2006 at 9:48 pm
I ran across this page and entry while looking for other people who have experienced the mistaken identity as a jew, and had the uncomfortable silence when mispronouncing an important Jewish Holy day. So, yeah, you’re not alone in that whole “Tell me about your studies of the Torah,” thing.
Sorry to reply to an old post. Also: Wordpress - hell yeah.
November 6th, 2006 at 3:15 pm
[…] I don’t dress crazy, or slutty. I mean, I don’t dress boring - but I live in New York! I am CERTAINLY not the most outrageous looking person on the street. But apparently I have enough drama, or weirdness, to not only be mistaken for a stripper or jew, but also for a costumed freak. That’s my look, I guess: hilarious sexy zombie rabbbi. So all day long I have to endure this stupid confusion from people, which only gets worse when I try to explain that I’m not wearing a costume. They ones who thought I was sexy think I’m playing a joke on them, and the ones that thought I looked funny think they still don’t get it. It often takes an embarrassing amount of convincing to make people accept that I am just dressed normally. […]
May 17th, 2007 at 1:23 am
I think you are absolutely lovely!
How about you make some t-shirts?
Goy Girl.
Gay Goy.
,…….
Sinagoy
they may sell - make them for $3, sell them for $30.
There are only one million Jews in the world but influence and control tremendous influence upon the masses. Tv, radio, movie, stage, financial, world bank and corporate takeovers. Red ants - fierce, networked and successful.
I am far from being racist but if any race representing less than .0001 percent of the population influences the balance of citizens into repeated indoctrination (good, bad, the ugly), then all we have left in judgement resources are the church, the President and family. Which is scarier? That’s why the ARTS and freedom of speech are so important.
Get this! My friend is Native Indian and is always asked if she is from China lol !!! Even Chineese people speak to her in Cantonese. Imagine? How pissed off would you be?
CAKER CRAIG
January 13th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Hi Jasper,
There are somewhere between 12 and 14 million Jews in the world. Also, you sound crazy.