You’re the swimming pool
I don’t want to meet any more celebrities. I’m done. It always ruins whatever idea you had of them. In my life, my idea of who a celebrity is is way more meaningful than who they actually are. For instance, I met John Corbett at the height of his Sex and the City “I’m the nice, hot, down-to-earth guy that you know you’d treat better than Carrie Bradshaw” phase. He was the ideal guy - a New York diamond in the rough with good skin and hand-built furniture. But when I met him he was wearing gigantic douchebag sunglasses and sleazing all over everyone. He was rude and made it very clear which one of us was on TV and which one sold cigarettes in a hotel bar. Now I can’t watch him in anything without thinking “shove it up your d-hole,” which is too bad, since he’s actually a good actor.
This brings me to Michael Buble. No matter what you think when you read the following embarrassing paragraphs, please do not ever ever introduce me to him. Even if you see us in the same room and it’s full of mostly people who like me more than him - people who often say things like “so talented” and “really pretty hair” - please resist the urge to have us shake hands. Because there’s a good chance that he’s a douchebag, too, and unlike Michael Jackson, Michael Richards, and Tom Cruise, I’m not going to lose this one to reality.
So, with that out of the way, let’s talk about what we all came to talk about: how much we love “Everything” by Michael Buble. He’s great, right? I’m an asshole, right? I know, this song is pablum and cheese, easy listening love cliches - but F it, ya’ll, I buy it. 100%
Did I notice that the video is a giant ad for a cell phone, or that it features the tranny Arquette brother and a Whoopi Goldberg impersonator? Oh yeah, I caught all that. Didn’t care - too busy hugging my pillow and dancing in pajamas.
I could try to justify it by talking about the clean production and the bass nudging right up behind his voice, every element mixed with plenty of room around it so they all stand out. But screw all that - you don’t care, and it would just be an attempt to sound fancy. Or I could say it’s all aural manipulation - the song is subliminally manipulating me into liking it. I mean, who knows what they can do with the right notes. But that would be just as much of a lie as saying that Michael Buble’s fat face isn’t adored by 13-year-olds and closeted gay men all over Canada.
I just like it. I like the simplicity. I like the shmaltz. I love the love. I’m a sucker for a happy love song, especially if I can actually hear the singer smiling (”You’re from outer space!”) I like sentiments like “it’s you. It’s you. You make me sing. You’re every line, you’re every word, you’re everything.” I like the idea that people can and do really feel that way about each other, even for only 3 and a half minutes at a time. I mean, if you read my blog at all you should have sussed out by now that in between all the “titties” and “douchebags” I really just want everyone to end up together in the end.
And I want to be someone’s swimming pool.
And super rich.
August 30th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
The opening riff of that song instantly triggers my brain to remember the jingle for Sears’ failed “Come see the softer side of Sears” campaign.
August 30th, 2007 at 9:49 pm
OMG! Eliza! You don’t know how happy it makes me to know that some other normal, respectable, non-tron person loves this song as much as me. I discovered it on a JetBlue cross-country flight on VH1’s “after-hours” videopalooza. They played it at least once an hour for five hours and I have been smitten ever since. Yes, it is super extra double-plus cheesy with a side of cheese, but I still can’t stop playing it. I also can’t stop thinking about what it must have been like for Emily Blunt, his gf whom he supposedly wrote the song for, to hear it for the first time. Can you imagine if your boyfriend said to you, “Hey, I wrote this song for you” and then he gave you the headphones and played you this piece of POP PERFECTION??? How did she not melt into a pile of goo on the floor? How is she still out and about at movie premieres and stuff? Are her insides made of steel? These are the things I think about when I have this song on repeat for an hour at a time. SIGH.
August 31st, 2007 at 9:07 am
When he smiles into the microphone my knees go tingly. This is a completely involuntary reaction but I can only give in, you know? I love Harry Connick Jr. the same way.
Oh, and I once had a chance to meet David Bowie (who I love above and beyond all) and I didn’t do it because it would have killed me, KILLED ME if he turned out to be a douche. Or, he would have been charming and I would have puked on his shoes.
August 31st, 2007 at 9:32 am
What is wrong with everybody?!
August 31st, 2007 at 6:52 pm
i agree, its a really good song in an songwritey kind of way. Nice and simple and poppy but good pop. the key change at the end is a little overdoin’ it but its not as bad as the key change at the end of “livin on a prayer” (another great pop song with a kickin yet oft-overlooked bassline)
although in the realm of unnecessary pop key changes I think Lonestar’s “Amazed” is by far the most offensive key change I’ve ever heard
and in the realm of necessary, wonderful, and seamless pop key changes I think Stevie Wonder’s “you are the sunshine of my life” is pretty great, the part towards the end that just gets happier and happier
buble’s is kinda okay, somewhere between the two
September 1st, 2007 at 11:39 am
Amblus - I know! But I do think that he gets a little extra love from being fat-faced, so girls assume he’s sweet and sincere and not getting slapped in the face with puss all day. Which you know he is. It’s John Mayer syndrome.
Sussy - RIGHT? We should host a video show, except it would mostly be us jumping up and down and clapping and saying “YAY!”(me) and “OMG!”(you) and playing the same song 40 times. Oh, but I have heard that Emily Blunt & he are beards - another reason I don’t want to meet him. I need to imagine Michael Buble is straight. And older than me.
Joe G. - I love an unnecessary key change almost as much as I love an acappella break. Musical drama!
Tony - Thanks a lot. You RUINED it.
September 2nd, 2007 at 1:30 am
You’ve almost ruined Northern Exposure for me. I will have to fight now to see him as the philosophical dj who I wanted to be when I grew up.
September 3rd, 2007 at 1:54 pm
I hate to ruin another thing…
but old ladies like him, too (and he’s another reason to go to Canada).
September 27th, 2007 at 7:06 am
Thanks for this posting …….but this video is not playing in my browser….Whatever reason…..still I likes your innocence…