Office Party
In honor of my last day here at the Lame Tempjob, I need to tell you about the wedding shower. Teresa has been planning her wedding for months, and now it’s almost here. So of course, we had to have an office wedding shower! It was Teresa’s event, but Evelyn really stole the show.
Like any office version of a real celebration, this was paltry and depressing, with too great an emphasis on cake. A handful of business casual people standing awkwardly around a conference table piled with plastic cups and old Valentines Day decorations, waiting to say “surprise.” When the surprise part was out of the way, and Teresa was seated at the head of the table, all attention was turned to The Cake. A few people feigned interest in the wedding plans or gifts, but really we were all focused on that horrible looking cake - white with black (chocolate?) speckles and cut up ho-hos smashed hapahazardly into the frosting. It was, indeed, better than nothing.
Evelyn had bought 3 bottles of sparkling apple juice for the occasion (”Sam’s club, ya’ll!”) and when she peeled off the classy foil wrapping she found a bottle cap. She had not planned for a bottle cap. Her solution was to say to the room, “DAMN! Any ya’ll got a bottle opener? Come on - none of you ghetto brooklyn people know how to open a bottle on a table or something? Jim! You know how to open a bottle?”
Jim:”Just with handcuffs.”
Inside, I thrilled at this exchange. This party just fell off the hook, ya’ll!
Finally someone came back from their desk with a bottlecap opener and the cider got poured into plastic Donald-Trump’s-1980s-style champagne “glasses”. The stage was set for Evelyn’s big moment - her toast. I wish, dear blogfans, that I had a tape recorders for this toast. Believe me, nothing would thrill me more. But alas, I did not. So I will attempt to transcribe it as accurately as possible because, well, you just can’t make this shit up.
“Ok. Teresa. Marriage is…uh…ok, I don’t have very good things to say about marriage. No, ya’ll know - I’ll never do THAT again…pure hell…Jesus. Oh, but, uh, it doesn’t have to be bad. It’s a wonderful thing…eh, it is what you make of it…and…I don’t know - my mariage lasted 10 months. Good Luck!”
July 29th, 2007 at 8:39 am
That toast was from the heart.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:32 am
Hey, hey, hey now… We think you’re a wee bit too hard on us people. That toast was as real as it gets, the whole party was a nice gesture (and a easy way of getting gift cards). All that crappyness did’nt stop your skinny butt from munchin down on some cake, right? Cake is cake. Oh, and maybe the cheap slut taste you’re getting from lunch is permeating from your crotch! - and that guy IS super weird & creepy. But he looooves you! All in all, not a bad gig; getting paid to look busy. not bad at all!… and who the f*&! are you calling “punchy”? PS… when you get that reality show, make sure you let us know (we’re obsessed!)… smooches! Teresa & Evelyn