elizaskinner.net - the jambox

I saw Spiderman 3 last night, and it confirmed what I had been thinking about comic book movies: after the second movie, they always suck. Think about it - X3, Superman 3, Batman Forever - all crappy, worthless movies that followed totally kick-ass originals and sequels. Why? Why do the balls fall off these franchises after 2 movies?

In the first movie of a comic book based series, you’ve got a guaranteed win (unless your director is a bipedal golden retriever or Mark Steve Johnson. ) The first movie is generally the origin story, the excitement of seeing this person rise from tragedy into a superhero. I honestly get chills just thinking about the scene in Spiderman where the class nerd steps into the wrestling arena in a shitty homemade costume. You see him about to become the amazing person he will be, even as he stumbles through finding the right path there. (Seriously, I am weepy right now. I love Spiderman. What? Why yes, I am single. Why do you ask? Anyways, back to my obsession with fictional men in latex.) Everything after the orgin story - every comic book, tv show, or movie - is basically a re-telling of it. Batman fights the pain of his loneliness and abandonment by fighting crime; the X-Men find and cling to each other because society ostracizes them; Superman fights for humanity because he is too dumb to become a villain (clearly I have an anti-Superman bias. He is boring!) So of course this first movie is great - it’s all just pure awesome origin.

The second movie is candy. It’s just fun! All the best stuff from the first movie plus cooler villains and better fights. The heroes know what to do with their powers now, and the obligatory villains - your Jokers and Lex Luthors - have been dealt with already. Bring on Catwoman and the Phantom Zone! Or better yet, correct the mistakes of the first film and finally bring out Doctor Octopus! In X2, they pretty much just made every character kick more ass (except Rogue and Storm, two mistakes made when they apparently hired Maxim magazine interns to cast the first film.)

After the 2nd movie comes out, to even better reviews than the first, the filmmakers get cocky and high on chinese shoe polish and crap all over the 3rd film. The 3rd movie is invariably full of too many plots and the lamest villians ever (and yes, I’m counting evil Superman.) By halfway through X3 and Spiderman3 I was so confused I forgot my name and fell alseep on the floor. The weirdest horrible aspect of the 3rd movie is the random inclusion of an irritating comedian. Apparently if things are going really well for your franchise, it’s time to bring in Jim Carey or Richard Pryor and ask them for the worst performances of their careers. Or just ask Kelsey Grammar to make a joke about his balls - same diff.

I once heard that the trick to helping a child to draw a great picture is knowing when to take the paper away from her. Obviously this logic applies to movie franchises, too. So here are my bottom line rules about comic book movie franchises:
1) Only make 2.
2) Never ever hire Mark Steve Johnson.

Up next - Leave Alan Moore Books as BOOKS.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 16th, 2007 at 12:42 pm and is filed under Nerd Queen. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.