Turn-offs include bad breath and Leviticus.
The other day I was sitting on the L train going to Brooklyn, and I noticed 2 ridiculously cute girls sitting across from me. These girls were the type of pretty that makes you think “they must be robots”, so perfect-looking they’re practically deformed. The entire car was fixated on these girls as they checked the subway map and finally turned to a group of pudgy dudes sitting next to me and said “Do you know how to get to Bedford Avenue?”
The dudes looked like someone had just thrown a cake at them (scared, excited, messy) - one exclaimed “YES! Yes, I know how to get to Bedford! Yes! Uh, just stay on this train.”
The girls giggled and one said “Thanks. You’re funny.”
Chubby said “Thanks!” Proud, yet bashfully, “I’m really into comedy.”
Pretty Girl: “Oh yeah? Is that what you want to do with your life?”
Even Prettier Girl: “Yeah, are we going to see you on TV?”
Chubby: “Yeah, I mean I hope so - what do you want to do with your lives?”
Here there was a weird pause, and the girls looked at each other smugly. It was like he had asked Cher if she liked to sing (DUH! She does.)
Hot Girl: “I already do it.”
Chubby: “Oh yeah? What do you do?” (You could hear his heart beating “say blowjobs, say blowjobs, say blowjobs”)
Hotter Girl: “We teach the Bible.”
Suddenly this became my favorite subway ride ever! The dude had this visible intense internal struggle going on: “So hot…but…evangelical christians…don’t know..what..to do!” And I have to tip my hat to him - he stayed in the game. He started asking them questions about the Bible and they would giggle and answer condescendingly. It never stopped sounding like he was asking them about their jobs at Quiznos or something, but instead of saying things like “Duh, we toast the bread AFTER we put the cheese on!” They were giving him answers like “Psh, no way - only 144,000 people go to heaven, the two of us will be on Earth for eternity instead.” His friends were amazed - both at the fact that he was asking question about this insane shit* and at his ability to keep talking to these super-hot girls all the way to Bedford Ave.
Which leads me to this question: What is the one thing that could make an otherwise perfect person unattractive to you? The quality that could overrule any and all hottness. Like, for Chubby it’s apparently not extreme cult-like religion. Meth addiction? Racism? If they had said “Oh we already have our dream jobs, we make crates to ship black people back to Africa” would Chubby have still kept talking to them?
Or more importantly, what WOULD people put up with if someone was hot enough?
* yes, I said “insane shit.” It’s my blog - not the New York Times. I think that shit is fucking crazy, you can have your own opinions.
September 18th, 2006 at 11:31 pm
I have tried, but I just cannot seem to get the words into a form where I don’t sound like a complete chauvinist pig. That being said, allow me to make a mess of the english language.
Beautiful stupid I cannot stand and can not feign interest in. Now just to clarify, this isn’t regular stupid, or stoner stupid, or even the less popular uneducated stupid. I’m talking about people who have run the course of their lives being stupid, but were encouraged because of their looks to express themselves, so now they have formed a beauty crutch on their stupidity. They will talk endlessly about absolutely mundane topics and will often as “You know what I am saying?” To which you think “Yes, of course I know what you are saying. What isn’t there to understand.” They will openly spew forth such drivel as to make your own non-stupid brain-cells commit hari-kari in self defense. I have met only a handful of these people, but when you meet one, watch out! They will talk your ear off.
September 19th, 2006 at 9:24 am
You are your agnostic mother’s daughter, and she is proud.
(By the way, is Ben really a guy? If so, Hallelujah! I have hope that he will find the courage to explore/appreciate not-so-beautiful smart. I’m not naive enough to expect an affinity for ugly-as-shit smart– although a few brilliant men have found surprising benefits there.)
September 19th, 2006 at 9:56 am
Fucking awesome post.
September 19th, 2006 at 3:30 pm
Ben, that’s not chauvanist unless you assume that there are only girls like that. There are TONS of stupid pretty boys, and I feel the same way about them.
September 19th, 2006 at 6:37 pm
Melinda - Yes I am a real boy (that sounds like a line from Pinocchio) and I’m a big fan of smart every which way you slice it.
Eliza - Sorry, let me clarify, I meant that writing with any generalizations of gender raise the “I hope I don’t sound like a chauvinist pig” flag for me.
January 25th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
[…] For more subway fun, check out turn offs include leviticus and bad breath and Jackie Clarke and her Graffiti Blog. […]