Since You’ve Been Gone
Things change, but they stay the same.
Case in point: my apartment has CHANGED, in that it has CABLE now. I have never had cable as an adult, except for when I lived on my sister’s couch (which I think doesn’t count since living on one’s sister’s couch automatically revokes “adult” status.)
Things have STAYED THE SAME, in that I still watch mostly the same channels I got for free before I had cable. The Food Network and HGTV are like ugly ex-boyfriends - I know I could do better now, but I can remember their phone numbers drunk and they know what I like. (Fudge recipes, room makeovers, and titty play.)
I’ve tried finding other things to watch, but since I haven’t had cable since I was in college, I keep going for the things I wanted to watch back then. Like MTV. Watching MTV now, though, makes me feel like I’m squeezing into an old mini-skirt and trying to fuck a junior high track team. It’s TERRIBLE. I know, I know, it’s always been terrible. But now it’s dirty dirty bad bad. It’s just 15 year old girls squealing or crying, getting yelled at by their parents for not being sexy enough, and hating on each other.
What happened to 15-year-old girls?? Shouldn’t they be collecting pictures of horses and Johnny Depp? The other day I actually watched a girl ask her mother on “Date My Mom” to tell a prospective date that she was “really hot and just like Paris Hilton” she then explained that Paris was her idol because “she’s really hot, people give her stuff, and she goes out like every night.” Apparently no one explained the joke to the 15-year-old girls of the world.
Then I watched Tiara Girls (TONS of Crying), and My Super Sweet Sixteen (it’s like sooooo hard to plan a totes juicy party, soooo hard that you cry a LOT) and Date My Mom (you guys made a big mistake by not purchasing her daughter…and Mom made a mistake by crying on your date) again.
And Again.
And Again.
And, again, the problem is no longer MTV. It’s me. I now watch it all the time, and no one is making me. I broke up with FoodTV and HGTV to hook up with a channel that thinks I’m prettier when I cry. And old.
May 24th, 2006 at 10:51 am
I do a lot of the closed captioning for Tiara Girls.
Most of the girls are awful, and their parents are almost abusive, but every now and then you get one really sweet person (maybe the girl, maybe the dad… you know, they frequently only have one parent), which makes it all worthwhile.
They’re the true beauty queens.
May 26th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
Barf.
June 1st, 2006 at 11:33 am
Eliza stole my radio, some records, and an old broken pasta maker. The pasta maker does not work, Eliza Skinner! A-hahahahahahahaha!!
…please return the radio and records please.