elizaskinner.net - the jambox

I’ve decided to try to start cataloging the media and entertainment I consume, because (a) it’s a lot and (b) unless I start writing about it it just becomes brain poop.  So let’s start with the last week of January and try to catch up quickly.

Skins -Netflix Instant Watch

Remember Degrassi High? And Eastenders? No? No one else watches soap operas on PBS? OK, well, imagine a bunch of british teenagers that have a lot of sex, take a lot of pills, and dance to shitty techno while their parents neglect them heartbreakingly. Add a couple of petticoats and remove a few blowjobs and you’ve got Oliver. Plus, remember that kid from About A Boy? Well, he’s in it and he turned out like this:

Whaaaaat? I know right? I can’t tell if he’s gorgeous or deformed looking, which means he’s probably a model.

If you watch Skins, start at the beginning, and be prepared to get hooked. I watched 2 seasons of it in less than a week (and BTW, the finale of season one could teach other teen dramas a little something about being pants poopingly awesome.)

Madea’s Big Happy Family - Live! Theater at Madison Square Garden

OK, at this point it’s clear that I can’t make you understand how and why I love Tyler Perry. I just do. So imagine my pure joy at seeing him live in his new play. Did I laugh? Did I cry? Did I awkwardly do both in the wrong places because I was the only white person there who wasn’t on the clock? Yes, yes, yes. The things that were great were amazing, and the things that were bad were so terrible they were amazing also. Tyler Perry fucking GOES for it, man. I have heard performers talk about a moment when they saw a play or comedy show and just thought “THAT. THAT is what I am. I should be doing THAT.” I had that moment during this show (when Shirley was dead and singing about going to heaven and then digitally grew angel wings and flew away and oh my god it was so awesome). So of course I bought a $10 glossy program, which is now my vision board.

The Mist - DVD

When this movie came out, I remember everyone being all “BOOOO”, so I wasn’t expecting much, which might be why I loved it. At first I was worried it would be ambigous and lame-spooky - that they’d make us wait way too long before they showed us the shark - but then they started actually showing what was in the Mist. You know what’s in the Mist? CRAZY SHIT. It’s a little on the long side, but the ending is - by Hollywood standards - even crazier shit than the shit in the Mist. Seriously, when I saw it I jumped up and yelped “Whaaat?!” so loud my cat started hissing at the vacuum cleaner.

P.S. - If you’re in New York, please come see me do stand-up on Wednesday. I don’t want to have to trade my teeth to the promoter.

I’m doing stand-up this Wednesday in NYC at Comix! It’s fun show that usually has a great mix of new and seasoned comics, and it’s cheap.

That is the good news!

The bad news is that it’s a bringer show, so if you don’t come I have to kill a goat for the promoter. So if you want to come, please make a reservation and mention my name.

Comix - New Talent Night
353 West 14th St (at 9th Ave)
Wednesday, February 10th, 7pm
$10 (plus a 2 item minimum)

Reservations 212-524-2500

Want to see some more me? I know, me too! So here’s 92Y Tribeca’s new video, “Ask The Locals Pt. 2″ featuring hilarious folks like Fred Armisen, Rob Huebel, Janeane Garafalo, and me!

This morning as I walked to the grocery store in sweatpants and last night’s make-up, a man muttered “beautiful” as he passed me. As much of a stretch as it seemed, he seemed serious; and I gotta say: I loved it. I mean, yes - this dude was a troll and probably lives in an old baby crib, and if he said he liked my shirt I might consider burning it. But still - he thinks I’m pretty! That’s always nice.

But it must be confusing when you’re a muttering street dude - what do you say? What is ok? “Beautiful” even sometimes walks the line - growled the wrong way it still sounds totally gross. I think the line is if it sounds like he’s talking about a flower it’s good,  if it sounds like he’s talking about what your asshole might look like on a plate it’s horrible. “Pretty” is always good, but when it gets specific it’s also possibly creepy. “Pretty eyes” is ok, “pretty lips” is not, and “pretty little pussy baby” really crosses the line.

Any type of sucking noise is always bad. As is referring to me as your mommy, baby, or bitch - it just assumes a familiarity that isn’t there yet. I also hate it when they demand I smile - you don’t know what happened to me today, dude! And I’m not out on the street to entertain you! I generally respond to this by baring my teeth and whispering “they’re all dead.”

Above all, don’t let us hear you say the same thing to everyone. It really cheapens things when a homeless dude throws the same “gorgeous, mmm, let me smell those titties” he just said to me to the woman behind me.

A while back I was performing at a stand up show where one of the other comics decided to forgo his set and instead just list the women in comedy that he has thought about while beating off. (Which, at a “downtown comedy” show is really just about the same thing. ) He included me on his list, and afterwards people approached me expecting me to be shocked or upset. But honestly, my reaction was: of course. I assume everyone has jerked off thinking about me. Especially dudes.

But I also assume everyone has jerked off thinking about just about everyone they know, along with any particularly alluring houseplants, jelly jars, or balloon bouquets. We’re not talking about what people have actually DONE - we’re talking what they THINK about. Who cares?

Plus, novelty is an intrinsic part of sexuality, and the older you are the more shit you’ve gotten bored with.  At a certain point you start testing things out - pretty girls that you like don’t do it anymore… what about ugly dudes you hate? Does that work? Nope? Ok, how about gym teachers and packing peanuts? Human sexuality is weird - there are people who have sex with bridges for gods’ sake. There are only so many times that Angelina Jolie in a Macy’s changing room can crank it up for you, eventually you’re stuck with Joy Behar trying to sell you a garden hose. I’m not saying where I fall on that spectrum, I just know I’m on it - as is everyone.

P.S.

Sorry, parents. I will write about something nicer next time. Like spoons or giraffes. But honestly, someone has spanked it to that, too.

One! More! TIIIIIIME!!!

I’m doing one performance of my show, Eliza Skinner is: Shameless! in New York again this Wednesday. Ring in the new year with some heartfelt black comedy!

Later this month I’m taking the show to South Carolina for the Charleston Comedy Festival. Come see whichever show is closer! (Maryland, you can pick either one.)

“Both in her writing and in her nuanced performance, Skinner wrenches humor from awkward circumstances and cringe-inducing comments….you will love her.”- Time Out New York

“She absolutely owns these characters: each one is deeply flawed but her performance is polished like a diamond. And the scenes are gut-bustingly hilarious, filled with truly memorable moments. “- RichmondVATheater.com

“Shameless is not to be missed … it’s hilarious and heartbreaking, and you’ll know that soon you can turn to your friends at a party and say “yeah, I saw her back when …”“- AndIAmNotLying.com

Eliza Skinner is: SHAMELESS! 

Wednesday, January 6th, 7pm - $5

Upright Citizens Brigade Theater

307 West 26th (at 8th Ave)

New York, NY 

Reservations

 …SHAMELESS! at the Charleston Comedy Festival

Friday, January 22nd at 9:30

Saturday, January 23rd at 7:30

Theater 99 - 280 Meeting Street (above The Bicycle Shoppe)

Charleston, SC 

Reservations 

Photo by Anya Garrett

I have never been good with girls.

When I was in first grade, at St. Catherine’s all-girls school, I had an imaginary friend named Anne Sidney Davenport. She was good at tennis and ballet and had long wavy blond pigtails like a cocker spaniel, i.e. she was perfect. I didn’t play with her that much, but sometimes when I was lonely I would remember her and we’d have a game of mouse fairies or whales or whatever I felt like playing, and I’d use her as an excuse for an extra cookie. Anne Sidney was not just my imaginary friend - she was also an actual girl in my actual class. But she was only my friend imaginarily. I knew kids were supposed to have imaginary friends, so I figured, why not pick one I know has good hair?

Plus it made me feel better about being a little too fat and loud, and lonely at lunch. My teachers would sigh and shake their heads as they tried to correct my social weirdness, explaining things like even though people laugh when I quote jokes or put things up my nose, it doesn’t make them want to be friends with me. Year after year they seemed to think “Why can’t Eliza get it?”  I was always thinking “I know! Why don’t I get it? What is wrong with me??”

Years later, I find that I still haven’t figured out how to be friends with girls. I don’t like it, or respect it - when I hear women describe themselves as “a guys’ girl” or say things like “I just get along better with guys” or worse,”girls are such bitches,” I call them Uncle Toms in my head. But it’s not that I don’t like other girls - I know there are lots of very smart, funny, awesome, great girls out there, and I’m crazy about them and want to be friends with them.  So a few years ago I decided to put a lot of effort into cultivating female friends.

I did it all wrong though, like I got directions from a Time Life guide to soldering and building female friendships. I started a bunch of all-girl projects - a website, writing/discussion groups, a band, a bunch of shows - I became Miss LadyOrganizer. I agressively complimented, I listened to problems and tried - triiiiied - not to just fix them (which proved all but impossible for me.) I tried to be less repulsed by casual touching and friendly terms of endearment like “sweetie”and “honey”.  I was thrilled to be included in incoherent drunken ramblings about ex-boyfriends - just like in the movies! I strived to be a glowing ray of sunshine instead of a winning robot of comedy and accuracy. But I was still too aggressive, I still accidentally offended them and just couldn’t get it right. I lost nights of sleep over wondering what I was doing wrong when I continued to get the mysterious snubs, evil eyes, and was never counted as “one of the girls.”

And you know what it is? I’m prettier than all of them. No, I kid. I don’t know what it is though, and I’ve given up.

I do have female friends. I don’t need giant Sex In The City swarms of girlfriends - in fact that would make me uncomfortable. Many of these friendships are pretty old now, and time has added a layer of trust that overcomes my deficiency in girlspeak. I love my female friends, and I don’t want them to feel hurt by what I’ve written here, so let me say clearly: Not you, those other bitches.

And I like being friends with guys. Guys DO like you when you can tell jokes and shove things up your nose. And they DON’T say things like “Why can’t you be more vulnerable?” So yes, when I go to a wedding, I generally sit on the groom’s side and I am about 1 million times more comfortable with a high five than with a “good cry”.

I’m not fat anymore, but I am still sometimes too loud. My imaginary friend, Anne Sidney, grew up into a real ballerina - a pretty amazing one. It looks so beautiful from the outside, but it’s hard work to be that graceful and perfect. They train like athletes and I’ve heard that up close their feet are mangled and bleeding. It’s not easy being a girl.

I saw a squirrel eating a lizard a few weeks ago.

Now, squirrels aren’t supposed to eat lizards, right? They eat nuts and tiny muffins, right? Bits of cake and tea in little acorn teacups? Adorable stuff. Not live, writhing lizards, thrashing and fighting for their evil reptilian lives. But this one did. I figured this squirrel must be in some kind of crazed, glassy-eyed state. I can’t stop thinking about the moment when it suddenly snapped out of it and realized what it’s done.

[chomp chomp chomp - freeze]

“Oh my god. What they fuck? What the FUCK, Chitters?!?  What are you DOING!?! Ohhhh Gawwwwd…OhhhmyGawwwwd. I’m eating a fucking…what the fuck is this!?! Oh jesus, it’s a lizard! No, wait, no, it’s only half a lizard..that’s not so bad…. OH GOD NO, I ATE THE REST! Did I eat the bones? What the fuck is going ON with me? I am FREAKING myself out! Ok, I was in the tree, I was really hungry, I started looking for the nuts I buried, I can never find those stupid goddamn nuts, then…I don’t remember…. Oh my GOD!!!! What if he had a family!? Is it a he? Yep, yep, that’s a he. (Non-vomitous heaving.) Ok, ok, chill out, ok, did anyone see me? Nope… no… looks good, looks like I’m in the clear…. SHIT. Was that bird there the whole time? Oh, fuck, that bird totally saw me eat that lizard. Or, ok, maybe not… is it looking at me? It’s looking at me. It’s not saying anything…just staring…why won’t it stop staring at me? WHY WON’T IT STOP? I don’t know if I can stand this…WHY WON’T IT JUST LOOK AWAY!?!? LOOK AWAY, BIRD!!! AAAUUUUGHHHH!!!!!!”

Hey internet!

I made a Doritos commercial for the Crash The Superbowl contest. Click on the link below and ignore the loud, irritating website to get to my submission (starring me, Nate Smith, Ben Rodgers, and Mike Still, shot by Paul Rondeau.)

http://www.crashthesuperbowl.com/#/video/5132

—-

I also shot an independent feature a few weeks ago - LaserGun! Victor Varnado directs, starring me, Micah Sherman, Jessica Delfino, and a bunch of other NYC comedy types.

I gotta say, the country’s vampire standards are at an all time low.  Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries - I call bullshit on all of it! Everyone is just too quick to gobble up anything in fangs. Vampires used to be scary, or at least creepy - even in Buffy they made sure to make them look all Klingon-gross when they popped fang. But now Vampires are the hottest boy in school, who just wants you to help him with his homework. Someone ripped the dick off vampires.

Let’s put it back on, ok? If we don’t, I’m just going to start writing my “rapist with a heart of gold” series, except I’m going to change “rapist” to “Vampire Kevin”. Because, really? It’s the same thing. An insatiable need to feast on human flesh fits right in to an SVU episode, if you ask me.

I’m suggesting the following Vampire Standards:

• must burst into flames in sunlight - NO SUNGLASSES, NO DIAMOND SKIN.
• must drink human blood to survive. Occasional short-term animal diet is allowed, but only in emergency situations. NO SYNTHETICS.
• capes are mandatory.
• so are coffins.
• no picky/choosey vampire myths - take them all: mirrors, garlic, holy water, etc. Too weird or hard to justify? Then don’t write about vampires! Write about cat people - no one’s done that in a while. You can make up the rules as you go along.
• more writhing piles of blood-drunk succubi.
• frustrated disdain for mortal fools and anyone under 200 years old.
• fangs are the CANINE teeth, not the incisors.
• must have creepy insect-eating caretaker to watch over them and collect victims.