elizaskinner.net – the jambox

I used to have panic attacks on trash day when I was a kid. I would hear the truck rumbling down our block at 6am and suddenly realize that I hadn’t done any arts and crafts projects with last Sunday’s Family Circus. That could have been an amazing placemat for my grandparents! Shit! “I really fucked this one.” I’d think, lying in bed in hand-me-down Holly Hobby pajamas. “I could have done so much…decoupage…paper mache! Ugh. I’m a real asshole.”

Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t LIKE Family Circus, but it’s expansive oversized Sunday edition inspried me, craftwise. I found the little trails of activity between the treehouse and tire swing visually interesting. “Not Me” made me very uncomfortable, though. The idea that the ghost of dead child could fuck up your house and get you blamed for it really bothered me. The kids even knew the ghost’s name, and told their parents about it – but no one believed them!! This is the stuff of psychological horror movies! It was like the pictures of skin disease in medical books – too upsetting to enjoy or ignore. But since I couldn’t make placemats out of photos of rampant staph infections, Billy’s afternoon in the yard would have to do.

Lying in bed, the self-abuse and regret would build until I jumped up and ran to my parents bed. “DID YOU THROW OUT THE FUNNIES???” I would whisper feverishly. Week after week, they would mumble “No….” and I’d go back to bed, calmed. Once, though, they were exasperated enough to sigh “Yes. Yes we did. That is trash, you don’t ever do anything with it anyway” and I lost my shit. They peeled me off the carpet and never threw away another funny paper. I assume.

I never made anything with a single Family Circus. I made a good deal of Bloom County cardboard decoupage “jewelry”, and some very attractive Calvin and Hobbes pencil holders (tin cans).  But that is the problem with being an artist – no matter how much you’re succeeding, you’re always failing at something. How many Family Circus placemats did YOU make this week? Thought so, loser.

I’m doing my solo show, Eliza Skinner is: SHAMELESS!, at the UCB Theater in LA next week. Come check it out and you’ll see this LIIIIIVE on stage:

Eliza Skinner is: SHAMELESS!
UCB Theater
5919 Franklin Ave
Thursday, March 4th at 8pm
http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/1493

I saw a squirrel eating a lizard a few weeks ago.

Now, squirrels aren’t supposed to eat lizards, right? They eat nuts and tiny muffins, right? Bits of cake and tea in little acorn teacups? Adorable stuff. Not live, writhing lizards, thrashing and fighting for their evil reptilian lives. But this one did. I figured this squirrel must be in some kind of crazed, glassy-eyed state. I can’t stop thinking about the moment when it suddenly snapped out of it and realized what it’s done.

[chomp chomp chomp - freeze]

“Oh my god. What they fuck? What the FUCK, Chitters?!?  What are you DOING!?! Ohhhh Gawwwwd…OhhhmyGawwwwd. I’m eating a fucking…what the fuck is this!?! Oh jesus, it’s a lizard! No, wait, no, it’s only half a lizard..that’s not so bad…. OH GOD NO, I ATE THE REST! Did I eat the bones? What the fuck is going ON with me? I am FREAKING myself out! Ok, I was in the tree, I was really hungry, I started looking for the nuts I buried, I can never find those stupid goddamn nuts, then…I don’t remember…. Oh my GOD!!!! What if he had a family!? Is it a he? Yep, yep, that’s a he. (Non-vomitous heaving.) Ok, ok, chill out, ok, did anyone see me? Nope… no… looks good, looks like I’m in the clear…. SHIT. Was that bird there the whole time? Oh, fuck, that bird totally saw me eat that lizard. Or, ok, maybe not… is it looking at me? It’s looking at me. It’s not saying anything…just staring…why won’t it stop staring at me? WHY WON’T IT STOP? I don’t know if I can stand this…WHY WON’T IT JUST LOOK AWAY!?!? LOOK AWAY, BIRD!!! AAAUUUUGHHHH!!!!!!”

I’ve decided to try to start cataloging the media and entertainment I consume, because (a) it’s a lot and (b) unless I start writing about it it just becomes brain poop.  So let’s start with the last week of January and try to catch up quickly.

Skins -Netflix Instant Watch

Remember Degrassi High? And Eastenders? No? No one else watches soap operas on PBS? OK, well, imagine a bunch of british teenagers that have a lot of sex, take a lot of pills, and dance to shitty techno while their parents neglect them heartbreakingly. Add a couple of petticoats and remove a few blowjobs and you’ve got Oliver. Plus, remember that kid from About A Boy? Well, he’s in it and he turned out like this:

Whaaaaat? I know right? I can’t tell if he’s gorgeous or deformed looking, which means he’s probably a model.

If you watch Skins, start at the beginning, and be prepared to get hooked. I watched 2 seasons of it in less than a week (and BTW, the finale of season one could teach other teen dramas a little something about being pants poopingly awesome.)

Madea’s Big Happy Family – Live! Theater at Madison Square Garden

OK, at this point it’s clear that I can’t make you understand how and why I love Tyler Perry. I just do. So imagine my pure joy at seeing him live in his new play. Did I laugh? Did I cry? Did I awkwardly do both in the wrong places because I was the only white person there who wasn’t on the clock? Yes, yes, yes. The things that were great were amazing, and the things that were bad were so over the top they were amazing also. Tyler Perry fucking GOES for it, man. And Cassi Davis is a comedic genius – please, Hollywood, start putting her in all your movies. I have heard performers talk about a moment when they saw a play or comedy show and just thought “THAT. THAT is what I am. I should be doing THAT.” I had that moment during this show (when Shirley was dead and singing about going to heaven and then digitally grew angel wings and flew away and oh my god it was so awesome). So of course I bought a $10 glossy program, which is now my vision board.

The Mist - DVD

When this movie came out, I remember everyone being all “BOOOO”, so I wasn’t expecting much, which might be why I loved it. At first I was worried it would be ambigous and lame-spooky – that they’d make us wait way too long before they showed us the shark – but then they started actually showing what was in the Mist. You know what’s in the Mist? CRAZY SHIT. It’s a little on the long side, but the ending is – by Hollywood standards – even crazier shit than the shit in the Mist. Seriously, when I saw it I jumped up and yelped “Whaaat?!” so loud my cat started hissing at the vacuum cleaner.

P.S. – If you’re in New York, please come see me do stand-up on Wednesday. I don’t want to have to trade my teeth to the promoter.

I’m doing stand-up this Wednesday in NYC at Comix! It’s fun show that usually has a great mix of new and seasoned comics, and it’s cheap.

Comix
353 West 14th St (at 9th Ave)
Wednesday, February 10th, 7pm
$10 (plus a 2 item minimum)

I am constantly confused by people walking INFURIATINGLY slow in front of me on New York City streets. Today, in an effort to distract myself from the overwhelming urge to murder the tourists crawling down Broadway in front of me, I tried to think of reasons why these people move so slowly.

• They are detectives looking for clues or contact lenses.
• They have just been transported to our dimension and must get their bearings before they can figure out how to get home to their own world.
• They are recently enchanted mermaids, still getting used to their new feet and legs.
• They are looking for the tiny Manhattan ponies that hide in the sidewalk cracks.
• They are mis-programmed robots who need to be recalibrated to normal human speed.
• They are navy scientists listening intently for the sonar of dolphins crying out for help.
• They were rasied by monkeys and are constantly amazed by the wonder and beauty of the world and it’s flashing lights and loud “go-fast machines”.
• They are suddenly becoming retarded, right before my eyes.
• All the hamburgers in their big fat pockets are weighing their big fat asses down.
• They think they are the only goddamn people in the world, and have never heard of “jobs” or “appointments”.
• Just to drive me crazy.

Want to see some more me? I know, me too! So here’s 92Y Tribeca’s new video, “Ask The Locals Pt. 2″ featuring hilarious folks like Fred Armisen, Rob Huebel, Janeane Garafalo, and me!

This morning as I walked to the grocery store in sweatpants and last night’s make-up, a man muttered “beautiful” as he passed me. As much of a stretch as it seemed, he seemed serious; and I gotta say: I loved it. I mean, yes – this dude was a troll and probably lives in an old baby crib, and if he said he liked my shirt I might consider burning it. But still – he thinks I’m pretty! That’s always nice.

But it must be confusing when you’re a muttering street dude – what do you say? What is ok? “Beautiful” even sometimes walks the line – growled the wrong way it still sounds totally gross. I think the line is if it sounds like he’s talking about a flower it’s good,  if it sounds like he’s talking about what your asshole might look like on a plate it’s horrible. “Pretty” is always good, but when it gets specific it’s also possibly creepy. “Pretty eyes” is ok, “pretty lips” is not, and “pretty little pussy baby” really crosses the line.

Any type of sucking noise is always bad. As is referring to me as your mommy, baby, or bitch – it just assumes a familiarity that isn’t there yet. I also hate it when they demand I smile – you don’t know what happened to me today, dude! And I’m not out on the street to entertain you! I generally respond to this by baring my teeth and whispering “they’re all dead.”

Above all, don’t let us hear you say the same thing to everyone. It really cheapens things when a homeless dude throws the same “gorgeous, mmm, let me smell those titties” he just said to me to the woman behind me.

A while back I was performing at a stand up show where one of the other comics decided to forgo his set and instead just list the women in comedy that he has thought about while beating off. (Which, at a “downtown comedy” show is really just about the same thing. ) He included me on his list, and afterwards people approached me expecting me to be shocked or upset. But honestly, my reaction was: of course. I assume everyone has jerked off thinking about me. Especially dudes.

But I also assume everyone has jerked off thinking about just about everyone they know, along with any particularly alluring houseplants, jelly jars, or balloon bouquets. We’re not talking about what people have actually DONE – we’re talking what they THINK about. Who cares?

Plus, novelty is an intrinsic part of sexuality, and the older you are the more shit you’ve gotten bored with.  At a certain point you start testing things out – pretty girls that you like don’t do it anymore… what about ugly dudes you hate? Does that work? Nope? Ok, how about gym teachers and packing peanuts? Human sexuality is weird – there are people who have sex with bridges for gods’ sake. There are only so many times that Angelina Jolie in a Macy’s changing room can crank it up for you, eventually you’re stuck with Joy Behar trying to sell you a garden hose. I’m not saying where I fall on that spectrum, I just know I’m on it – as is everyone.

P.S.

Sorry, parents. I will write about something nicer next time. Like spoons or giraffes. But honestly, someone has spanked it to that, too.

One! More! TIIIIIIME!!!

I’m doing one performance of my show, Eliza Skinner is: Shameless! in New York again this Wednesday. Ring in the new year with some heartfelt black comedy!

Later this month I’m taking the show to South Carolina for the Charleston Comedy Festival. Come see whichever show is closer! (Maryland, you can pick either one.)

“Both in her writing and in her nuanced performance, Skinner wrenches humor from awkward circumstances and cringe-inducing comments….you will love her.”- Time Out New York

“She absolutely owns these characters: each one is deeply flawed but her performance is polished like a diamond. And the scenes are gut-bustingly hilarious, filled with truly memorable moments. “- RichmondVATheater.com

“Shameless is not to be missed … it’s hilarious and heartbreaking, and you’ll know that soon you can turn to your friends at a party and say “yeah, I saw her back when …”“- AndIAmNotLying.com

Eliza Skinner is: SHAMELESS! 

Wednesday, January 6th, 7pm – $5

Upright Citizens Brigade Theater

307 West 26th (at 8th Ave)

New York, NY 

Reservations

 …SHAMELESS! at the Charleston Comedy Festival

Friday, January 22nd at 9:30

Saturday, January 23rd at 7:30

Theater 99 - 280 Meeting Street (above The Bicycle Shoppe)

Charleston, SC 

Reservations 

Photo by Anya Garrett